31 May 2009

The Lord is gracious...

In 1 Corinthians Paul tells the church in Corinth that love never fails and doesn't stop. Love is eternal and without blemish.

In Psalm 145, David sings praises of the Lord being slow to anger, abounding in love, and good to all.


After reading 1 Corinthians 13 tonight at Ashton's house, I was truly convicted in my heart. I realized that I don't put love at the forefront of all my relationships. Just reading that one chapter convicted me to an extent that I cannot describe. I know I wrote a poem not too long ago on the same passage, but I see it in a whole different light right now.
The first few verses describe how one can have talents and be the most incredible person in a worldly sense, but if you don't love...you have nothing.

If you cannot love your enemy as it says in Matthew 5:44, you have nothing. It doesn't matter how many PhD's you have or where you went to school. Your car and clothes don't matter. Your background means nothing. How nice you are is of no consequence. If you cannot love that one person that you are trying so hard not to hate, you are nothing more than forgotten, as if you had never existed.

He loves us more than there is distance between east and west. I don't even know how to comprehend how far the east is from the west! How can I begin to comprehend His love? I hurt Him on a daily basis by allowing my flesh to overtake my life and actions, and yet He still loves me!
How can I NOT love others in an attempt to be more like Him? How can I refuse that love and refuse to pass it on to others?!

Romans 13:8 says "Owe no man anything, but to love one another: for he that loveth another hath fulfilled the law."


29 May 2009

crazy friday

today has been insane. My notebook and Bible are in Lauren's car and it's driving me crazy. I need them so much! They're .. my outlet and guidance!

I miss Jennifer more and more everyday! It's crazy :(

Hoffa came to graduation tonight and I got to see her. I was so excited to hang out with her and sit with her and talk to her. She is so precious to me.
And Mrs. Gentry and Mr. Greg. They are so incredible. God blessed me so much when he crossed my path with theirs! they are just phenomenal people and great Christians. I'm so excited to see them some while I'm home for the summer.
Hoffa's moving to England in July but before she goes she'll be back here in Perry for a little while so we're going to have picnics and swing and just be friends...with lots of people. When she moves there, Jenn and I are going to visit her. It's a must. must must.

okay, out with Adam.

27 May 2009

turmoil and dirty soil

I've been going crazy trying to make up my mind about so many different things lately. School has been such a burden on my heart. I want so much to be at Berry and I'm so anxious to hear from Financial Aid that it's making my stomach turn. The whole situation with Lauren has been driving me crazy.

Slowly I've been finding peace. My God is so incredible.

There's nothing more I can do about school right now, so I am letting go [let it go - Tenth Avenue North] and just letting God.

A dear friend in the Lord told me tonight that it's possible that my friendship with Lauren has run its course. Does that mean that we aren't friends? No. It merely means that it's not a responsibility, which is not what a friendship is anyway. It means that we aren't close and that's okay. How do I get that across to her, though? The Great Physician always prescribes love. So this is what I am going to follow.

I love having cupcake parties with friends I love so dear. It is such a precious blessing to me to be able to talk to them about any and everything, to laugh and be happy and joyful. I am so thankful for all of them...even the ones that weren't there. They hold such a special place in my heart.

When I listen to worship music...just music proclaiming Jesus Christ...I am overcome with a feeling that I cannot describe. There is something...something in the words and chords and ... there's just something there. I am so in love with my Adonai.

26 May 2009

Strong Enough - JJ Weeks

I miss seeing JJ Weeks in concert every time I turn around! He's a great artist and has some powerful lyrics. I just 'borrowed' his CDs from my brother and put them on my iTunes.
Now for a few personal notes.


April Thomas, you are my soultwin. I know without any doubt whatsoever that I can come to you with anything and you will be right there. You will college-word anyone who tries to hurt me and will probably punch their faces as well. I know that if I need to get away from my house, you'll be at my house in fifteen minutes and we'll do something. If you can't come, you'll give me incredible advice on how to handle all the bad mojo. We are such different people, but you are so dear to my heart. You are my sister regardless of what any judge would ever say. I've had best friends and "best friends" over the years, but you're legit, kiddo. I wouldn't trade you for anything. And I gotta tell you, I'mma beat the face off of any girl or boy, adult or kid, who tries to hurt you or goes against you. I might be small...but I know big people. :D I love you.

Jessie Faulhaber, you are incredible. I miss you like woah, but that's okay. I hate that money is always an issue in travel and none of us seem to find jobs that can pay for our extravagant dreams of gallivanting cross country to visit. While Virginia isn't far compared to most other places, it's still an issue. Someone wise once told me that distance doesn't matter to true friends, though, because true friends will find a way! You've made me realize how much I really do eat tatertots...because every time I do, I think of you! I love you sweetie and I'm so thankful for you. -Sugar bean :P

Jennifer Parr, bite me. teehee. I love that one of your favorite poets is Cummings. That makes me grin. Can we hurry up? I hate that I miss you so much sometimes. You're a fabulous nanny, I'm sure. And what is it you do on the weekends? Typical. You would. No hands. I love you and your craziness. I love you and your sense of humor, your life, your love. I just love you. :) And I'm thankful for you. Don't kill me too much!!! :D

25 May 2009

soundtrack of my LIFE

'come right out and say it' - relient k
'if i fail' - cartel
'miss berry' - hurricane chris
'bounty of mary jane' - bobby long
'blame it on the alcohol' - jamie foxx
[more soon]

24 May 2009

Dear you

I so despise my passions sometimes. I care so much that I hurt so passionately when others do. I may seem like a passive person at first, but I am known to fly off on you. I will probably hurt you, as forewarning.
I am an instrument, though I often find myself trying to control how I am used. Super woman I am not, though I pretend and love to play dress-up in clothes that do not fit or belong to this mortal balloon of bones.

I question my passions and how much I care. I am also known to not text or call for a little while to make sure I'm not annoying you. I constantly question my actions over and over. I don't want them to be wrong or hurtful. In doing this, I often stumble over my untied shoelaces and find myself face to face with a self destruct button. Don't relieve the pressure or you will surely blow to pieces.

It's hard for me to say the same thing to someone that I've said to someone else, because I'm scared that person will think less of my words because they aren't original. In all actuality, I probably mean it more the second time around than the first. I've learned my lesson.

I wish I could change words - change their significance. I would love to deaden the blow of harsh words that I never meant to say, but I would also love to heighten the emotions you feel when I tell you "I love you." While those words have become such customary baggage in this day and age, with each breath I take, those words take on a more heightened, precious, eloquent, reverent meaning. Telling you that, I'm sure, means nothing. Words are but words and nothing more. No amount of vocal or typographical emphasis will bring any new life to this everyday language we use. Adjectives can help if you have an imagination...and I promise you I have the most captivating imagination.

Dear Father, I pray for a rain down on this beautiful love, a rain of peace and understanding; of patience and trust. It is so hard to trust in this world where our hearts are constantly thrown at a batter with something much sharper than a bat. "Come stop your crying, it will be alright." I know it hurts you more than you are willing to say. How could something so dear not prove an incredible source of pain and confusion? Satan will take us at our weakness. Unfortunately mine is easily found and as raw as these words. I speak of hurt and pain, and yet here I bear my soul to you. Every drop of blood in me is known to you. You are well acquainted with my every nerve and know exactly which will drive me to a happy insanity in your midst.
Lord, peace...only your peace. The peace of an ocean washing away the impurities of the sand, sifting through the grains and taking with it only what does not belong...Father, this peace is nothing compared to the rain you so willingly exude. Your peace is one that will let go of the biggest insecurities and highest heights. All fear is lost in the blowing of the wind. All senses avail you to the utmost. To describe these goosebumps in your presence would be plausible only in eternity.
Father God, with a battered heart we fall at your feet. Your timing is not ours and often we are impatient. Never do we understand; no, not once. Our minds are like that of a toddler. Every time we see your face we are just as excited as the first time. Falling only hurts. We can never understand. Dear Jesus, precious lover of my soul, give us understanding and patience for what you have in store for us. How can we, creations of the Almighty, dare make plans or firm decisions concerning our lives beyond our belief in you? Doing so is only climbing a mountain with no escape from the peak but a sharp cliff and imminent fall.
Adonai, push us to new heights and new confidence shrouded in your beautiful, everlasting arms. Cloak us in nothing but You - the best of all there was, is, will be. Father, give us faith to believe, to grasp hold of your promises and never let go. Father, if we are in you, you will give us the desires of our hearts. This longing is not hear for a reason. Dear Jesus, these dreams and thoughts and heartsongs are not in vain, but rather fit in your will. Show us your way. Mend the busted seams of these hearts.

i love you,
me

"turn around" - josh wilson
"by your side" - tenth avenue north

pancakes

boy, I feel sick after eating pancakes. There are some things I just can't handle in large quantities:
-pancakes
-Moe's



Anyway, church was awesome this morning. In Sunday school we talked about the fruits of the spirit and gifts of the spirit. It was just deep and good stuff. I liked it a lot. I got a lot from it. Pastor Jeremy spoke on a verse in 1 Peter about sanctification. He hit on a few key points like the fact that we can't change the world but we can change ourselves and until we are willing to completely submit ourselves to the will of God, there is no way to change anything. We went through a lot of other stuff too but I don't have my notes with me right now.

I really like church.

23 May 2009

night at the museum: battle of the smithsonian

you gotta see this one. it's hilarious. I laughed almost the entire time!

Ben Stiller is kinda cute, I think...but only in the night at the museum movies.

And I really like Amy Adams. She's a great actress and always plays the funnest roles opposite some cute guys! hello Enchanted with the ever-hot Patrick Dempsey.

haha :D

22 May 2009

mooooooooovies

Night at the Smithsonian tonight.
I'll let you know how it goes

-Waldo's lover [you should see my outfit]

21 May 2009

levedopa

*look of bewilderment*

do you know what triamine is? and how much FOOD it's in?!
welllll, I'm finding out. My dad's got parkinson's disease and he's taking two different medicines to help decrease his symptoms. The new medicine he's on has some randomness in it so he can't have many triamines. It's completely changing our diet. He can't have chocolate or preserved meats like sausage and stuff like that. It's ridiculous. He won't go to the chiropractor who will HELP him -- his neck is really stiff from fighting the tremors that he has in his neck. It's driving me insane. I wish he would humble himself. I'm really trying just to pray for him and encourage him, but I don't know.

Ugh anyway, I went this morning to the Honors Day thing at the high school. I got to see Mrs. Gentry! <3 but unfortunately I didn't get to see Mr. Greg...but it's okay. I saw all my bebs who are graduating and stuff. It's crazy!! I can't believe they're all gradjeattin'! It's pretty intense. :)

It's raining, shocker.

Angels & Demons has lost my appeal.

But I'm writing a WHOLE lot! It's crazy. I need more sunflower seeds.

20 May 2009

engagements and weddings and!

OH MY GOSH!!!


My friend Martyne is engaged to her long-time boyfriend, Dennis. I was so overly excited when I got the news that I fell off my bed. I'm really not kidding. I was shaking for hours.

Well, she just facebook'd her engagement pictures and I almost died. They are so cute together and I know that they are so in love with each other and with the Lord. I just...oh my gosh. It brought tears to my eyes and my hands are still shaking. Their pictures were beautiful and I am just beyond excited for them. They are precious to me and such incredible lights for the Lord. They live so much for Him and I just love them so much.

It makes me want to get married. I have such a yearning in my heart to get married...to love someone so much that I want to spend the rest of my life with them. I want to have a relationship with a guy that is so enraptured with the Lord that there is no separating the three of us. I want to have a guy to hold me, to kiss me, to grab my hand at any time and just know that he is where I belong. I want so much to have HIM...to reveal my soul to him, the raw emotions and thoughts...the everything. I want him to make me feel in places and ways that I never thought possible. I want to be taken. I want to be loved.

My heart wants to fall so hard.
My heart wants to fall and never get back up.
My heart wants to find its other half.
My heart wants to know and be known.
My heart wants to be ripped from my chest and placed in the hands of another.
My heart wants to fall.
for you.

19 May 2009

soundtrack of my summer 2oo9

this week is going to be intense!

Unfortunately, Six Flags isn't open for good until Friday, so I won't be having my fun-time trip with Christobal and Jennimifer until next week.

Mom and I organized most of my stuff yesterday so my room is actually livable now -- I can see my floor. I've gotten into this crazy pattern of staying up until all hours of the night, but there always seems to be someone else up with me. :D Jennimifer usually calls with some sort of crazy story about her almost getting in trouble or her night being wasted by a series of unfortunate events. It's amusing. We giggle until our faces hurt.

Did I tell you I have crazy dreams? I always do, especially when I'm in pain. They get crazier. I woke up with an ache this morning. My dream last night involved my remaining grandparents getting Alzheimer's at the same time and losing their memory within a matter of hours. Talk about rough! It made me miss my Papa more than I have in a long while. In the shower it took everything I could not to cry. I thought about how it was so important for Jenn's grandfather to be at graduation...that was the one thing she wanted more than anything...and I realized that Papa will not be at mine. Three weeks before he had the stroke [or whatever happened. My mind has begun to forget what happened] he, Granny, Aunt June, and Uncle Herb visited for a tour of the campus on the way back from their 'vacation' in the mountains. He kept telling me how proud he was of me. We spent a good hour at the Old Mill. I loved listening to him tell me stories about how he'd worked in different places and professions throughout his life. He had evidently worked on a water wheel like the one on Mountain Campus, but a little smaller. He explained to me how the entire thing worked, and we took pictures on my phone and Granny's -- the one time I didn't have my camera with me. That was the last time I saw him...the last hug that I gave him, the last conversation that I had with him.

And the tears come rapidly, in streams. They more resemble a river than they do raindrops.

--

Let it roll - all time low
save your breath - hit the lights
face down - red jumpsuit apparatus
stay young - we the kings
on top of the world - boys like girls
on and on - hit the lights
one more weekend - the academy is
[more to come]

17 May 2009

New Music

I've been blessed to receive some new music recently.

Nan shared some of her loverly stuff with me including John Waller's new CD which is definitely worth grabbing. It's got some great music on there, inspired stuff.

I'm really crazy about Addison Road, though. They are phenomenal. "What Do I Know of Holy," "Hope Now," and "Sticking With You" are some incredible songs. They have definitely brought me to my knees on a few occasions.

Tenth Avenue North also has a piece of my heart. I'd love to see them in concert sometime soon! I am also now the proud owner of the entire Wonder of the World CD by Rush of Fools and Hello Love by Chris Tomlin. Talk about incredible work!

I've also run across some incredible groups lately that are unsigned or very small right now. Caleb and Sol are one. They are two twins from Oregon that are in their late teens. They have harmonies that are unmatched. You can't beat family-harmonies! :) I also found this guy, Brett Younker, and he is SO AWESOME! I just stumbled across both of these groups by God's grace and they are definitely blessings.

Adam gave me a group called "The Wedding" last night. They're not too bad either. If you like Cartel - a little punk rock with a baby country twist - you'll like these guys. They're a Christian group...sometimes they're hardcore, but there's a lot of acoustic stuff too. With a Cartel sound they remind me of Silverstein as well. :D Their lyrics are pretty powerful as well.

Check these kids out. :)

this crazy life

I went to see Alice in Wonderland at my high school tonight after a long day spent with Mr. Riley Cole Dorman, the three year old love of my life. :D

It was hilarious to say the least. :) I got to hang out with people I haven't seen in forever...like Joshua, Christobal, and Adam! :) oh and lexi, and of course Catelyn. <3 I love them so much! i have missed them like crazy!!

anyway, I came home and spent half an hour on the phone laughing and giggling, much like last night.

That is life...that is good life.:) laughter is the best medicine ever. I miss that kid.

p.s. i'm making a list of inside jokes. bahaha. I will laugh hysterically forever and read them at a wedding.

15 May 2009

the best caramel frappe <3

1/2 cup espresso
1/2 cup milk
2 tbsp caramel yumminess [like what you put on ice cream]
2 tbsp sugar
1 cup ice

throw it all in the blender and puree it until the ice is all crunched up. Pour into two glasses and top with whipped cream and a little caramel.
<3

14 May 2009

GROW THE HELL UP

Me from your perspective

-I am a lair.
-I cannot make decisions.
-Nothing I say is legit.
-Everything I do is illogical.
-You can never be certain with me.
-My mood is always changing.
-I'm not who I was.
-I don't care.
-You mean nothing to me.
-I am depressed.
-I am a pain in the ass.
-You have never had a friend as bad as me.
-I cannot back up any of my arguments.
-No one feels the same way I do.
-I don't treat you like a friend.
-I don't call you enough.
-Because I don't return your phone calls, I don't want to be your friend.
-I'm doing a damn good job of pissing you off.
-I'm making it awkward.


Pick your nose and pick your fights, kid...but right now you're doing a sucky ass job of picking your friends. You are the one pushing people away. You have not kept close friends at college for more than a year. You lie and cannot seem to back up your claims and arguments legitimately with evidence that is worthwhile. You are the loner when it comes to feelings. Your reactions and perceptions and moods are illogical and make no sense. You have put me on a leash, a short one, and I refuse to take it. You call me your best friend and treat me like your child or your significant other.
Well, honey, let me smack you with a little taste of southern hospitality. I am NOT your child or your significant other. I will be your friend, but I refuse to be your punching bag. I will take a lot of shit from you, but I will not take you treating me like the dirt on the bottom of your shoe. You may have gotten away with that in your past friendships or even in ones you are currently in, but I refuse to succome to that unrealistic demand of dictatorship.
Now, the ball is in your court. You have a choice. Either you start acting like a friend and treating me like one, or you can continue pulling shit out of your ass. I promise you this, if you choose the latter you can kiss our friendship and all that it held goodbye. 'Cause baby I've got pictures to burn.

fruitless searching

Perry officially SUCKS. - they have no jobs. ever. anywhere. :(
Relay for Life this Friday night! = hangtime with Jess and some high school babies that will be graduating soon!
Sitting outside is BEAUTIFUL! a little toasty, but who's complaining?
Middle school concert tonight for the bro. = chillax time with Joshua.
Mom said something about a pizza?
Cheesecake milkshakes are the best ever. - Jenn, I'll make you one the next time we're together since I keep talking about them and making you crave something that's 2.5 hours away and Ketchup can't handle it. :P
Am I a nerd because I really anticipate writing in new notebooks?
...Or because I love getting letters..and writing them back and forth?
Oh, these lazy summer days!
My phone's a jerkface, just thought I would tell you. Verizon on Watson= SNooobbss
I like to make food. quesadillas, spaghetti..you know.
I miss my friends who are stuck in Rome.
Guess.what. I will visit you SOON says mother!
Six flags. Are we going? We'd better be going. hurry up and find some money.
Job searching to the serenade of Bobby Long is nothing short of heavenly...minus the not finding a job part.
Why has FarmTown taken over my family?!
ich weisse nicht.

13 May 2009

Untitled Chaos

I have such good ideas sometimes but have a hard time putting them into words. Writing is my love, yet a skill I cannot master. Even at my best, I am no more than the average joe. I easily lose patience in others. If they cannot bare their hearts on a lose-leaf page of paper in some poetic paradise, I’m sorry but you mean nothing to me. I need to see the tear stains on your respected lines. Don’t think you have mastered with some overzealous confidence this language which you barely know.
“Them’s fightin’ words” or so I’ve been told.
The smear of this ink takes brutal honesty to a new and dangerous level. The pressure is too great here for the faint of word.
Day in and day out you mock my voice, but what you can’t see is the reflection of these words in my eyes. Your goggles are fogging up. I’m not your experiment, a specimen on your examination table. Your fake works and illegitimate actions strike me like a coroner’s blade, but I get up and walk away before your fingers can brace my dear cold skin for support. You aren’t strong enough to draw blood and piercing this skin will do you no good. Be careful what you say: it may not be good enough.

the voice of a wedding dress

[this is rough]

Have you ever thought of your wedding dress?
just imagined for an instant what it will be..
Will it be floor-length of have a sash?
maybe it will gather at the waist or on one hip
simple straps or a halter...
or strapless and elegant?
Will its hues be a simple white
or tones of ivory, opal, or pearl?
Will your hair be swept up
or fall in a graceful cascade?
Will flowers accent the tender strands of your hair?
or will a small crown be present in their stead?
Will your veil be tiered or long and flowing.
In your wedding dress, will you feel exquisite?
dainty and beautiful ... strong, and ready to make the next move?
will butterflies flutter in your stomach
in your restless arms and jittery legs?
do your hands shake in nervousness...
or excitement ... of this moment's magnitude
silently obvious anticipation of what is to come.
will your heartbeat heighten, pushing against this fabric?
can you let go, in confidence...in this wedding dress...

news

So I found out a few days ago that my GPA is low and I won't be getting HOPE next year.

This is the first real threat to my being at Berry and it brought me to tears in seconds -- very few things can do that.

I'm not quite sure what I'm going to do yet, but we'll see. If Berry is where I'm supposed to be, God will provide a way...that's for sure.

11 May 2009

snapping pictures

sooooo I'm putting my pictures online for you kids to see, especially since facebook is a dork and makes them grainy.
When I figure out how to tell you where they are....I will tell you.

sixflags<3

edit:: I found the URL.
http://picasaweb.google.com/BAnanagurl0508

10 May 2009

Well happy mother's day

This weekend and last week have been so eventful.

Sending the seniors off on the trip of their lives with a little pat on the back was quite complicated. I cried a bit. Sobbed would be a better word, I think. We had some fun times, that's for sure. Without getting too sappy, I'll say I will definitely miss them.

God blessed me with some incredible loves. :)

Jenn's lovely ma said she would drive me home after graduation since mom and dad didn't want to wait two or so extra hours for me to go . It was such a blessing. I know it meant a lot to Jennimifer and I am so thankful that I was able to be there. Graduating from college is a milestone, for sure! I'm so proud of Jenn and Jessie and all of the others that graduated.

Jessie's crazy life in Baltimore leaves ample reasoning for random road trips north!

So after getting home dark and early last night, I fell asleep. What else would I do? Dad didn't even bother to wake me up this morning for church. He said he felt like I needed my sleep.

For lunch I had his incredible french toast -- no one makes better! Then mom and I made our way to Dodge County to see the whole fam damily! It was great. I got to see my cousin Matt and his wife who I see once every blue moon. And I got peas!!! and some lovely time with my bestest cousin, Lauren. I love her so much!!

When we got home we went to Olive Garden for dinner. I love it there. It hits the spot everytime -- slams it! The waitress told me happy mother's day though...I've gotten the whole spectrum I guess! 12, 14, mother. I'm waiting on grandma. I'm sure that one's coming soon! Or toddler. :P

When I got home Jennimifer called. :) I love talking to that kid. She makes me giggle all the time and is so sweet to me. I'm not about to cry, but thinking about her not being around at the drop of a hat next year is a little intense! She's always rubbin' it in my face that she's 21 and can go to see Bobby Long at The Earl in August, but I ...alas... cannot. :( This is such a sad existance!! Can I not just go and see Bobby?! Forget the alcohol! You can put X's all over my body! Okay so maybe not ALL over it...but arms, forehead, hands, you get my drift.

So anyway, after we giggled for a little while on the phone I went to steal the internet from my parents' computer - Alfred doesn't get good signal from the people surrounding me here - but mom was being obsessed with Farm Town or something like that on Facebook. So weird!! anyway, she finally got off and I got on.

What's the first thing I see? The fact that a dear friend of mine from high school is engaged. Hello drop of stomach and heart and and..

08 May 2009

days like this

While walking back to my dorm this evening, I realized that the days I will remember, the memories that I will cherish, are the ones that I have made in the past few weeks. The nights that I've had and the days that have surrounded them.
It's the haze in the early morning sky that surrounds the trees and envelops the walkways. With the dew wetting my feet come the tears slipping slowly down my cheeks. It's in the light of the lamps shrouded in glowing rainbows shooting in all directions and the glare that is left in your eye when looking away. The silent strength of the trees and the perfect blue of the starry sky.

It's nights like this...when I'm walking back to my room when I realize how many memories I've made. From silly paint and switching shirt sizes to spooky darkness and our own personal "jams." Finding solace in old pictures and the warmth of a soul so close to our own fills empty hearts and mends shoes in order to make more confident steps forward.

Letting go is something I've learned to do and yet cannot master.

I tell you I hate this and myself because I find it so hard to believe how much I've come to care. This attachment runs deep, love. Time and distance make no difference to these memories that will last forever. We'll be old and gray, still wearing our band t-shirts and fiddling with phones to text each other the latest gossip.

Facebook and Twitter will be ideas of the dark, distant past and yet they will live on continuously in our minds and in our actions. The goofy faces we make have been recorded in the pictures we post and videos we record. Memory will fade with time, but our laughter, jokes, and fun will ring on for lifetimes...

It's days and nights like this that I know I cannot ever forget! Forgetting would be inconceivable...impossible.

It may not have seemed like much, but I will always remember your hands. Like you, they are beautiful to me. They hold so much and yet are willing to reveal so little.
To forget you would be to forget the lines etched in the sand from the ebb and flow of the tide.
The surface of the sand seems so smooth and inviting. An outsider would never know what is truly hidden beneath the sands of time. Taking one step closer can lead you into a whirlwind.

I step forward in anticipation and excitement...inviting.

The water contrasts the sand. Lines flow deep and wide, ever changing...ever present.

To forget the tides would be to forget your hands. The twitch in your thumb and deep etching of your palm. The horizontal lines that run so frightfully in opposition of the prints of your fingers. Worry and stress show in these carved lines and in the unevenness of your nails. However, there is a peace..an understanding. The softness of your fingers and hand show the deception of your outward voice and that there truly is a side that others cannot seem to find.
First perception and many after leave the world to ponder these mysteries. You are strange and often unreadable; a challenge. Your calm, cool, collected exterior is contrasted and few see this. There is a war inside you, a worry that many will never understand. The lines that inch across your hand show the pain that has ravaged your life and heart...but the top of your hand and curve of your fingers show that you are strong and unwilling for hard times to rip you through and through. While your hands are calloused and used, showing your love for many activities, they are soft, full of strength, and vulnerable. You put up a wall to hide your heart, the 'sappier' side of things. Deep down you are one of the most beautifully caring people...your heart ready to risk itself, yet you don't trust it.

As your hands show, you are the epitome of a rose...delicate on the inside, but with a defense that will knock them down, rock them down.

"Honestly" - Cartel

04 May 2009

Old Poetry

I found all of this in one of my composition notebooks. :) The last one I was working in, if I'm not mistaken. They start on the 3rd of January 2007 and go on from there until Graduation last year. I'll separate them with a line of stars. Let me know what you think:

Everyone's around
man, there's a crowd.
survey the room, you'd almost miss it.
the feeling of fearful hurt would almost belost.
amongst the black clothing and running mascara,
the white dress and wide eyes could be forgotten.
sadness isn't desired but can't be helped
when the world seems so blissfully colorless
everything IS or ISN'T in a black and white world.

**********

No regrets, only lost possibilities,
open doors now shut to the rain,
the storm of silence and screaming.
Now, to find an escape I must run,
farther than these selfish decisions
to an open door that must be there.
Faster, farther,
in an ink well that's drying,
with the weather writhing and swirling
only to find I'm running in circles
surrounded by closed doors.
here trapped in my own lost possibilities
with no way to escape my regrets.

**********

Lord, they say that I can move these mountains.
They say that my faith is strong enough to move them.
I'm pushing, Lord, and it's just not working.
My legs are growing weary and my hands are calloused.
My body's failing me, Lord, so my faith must not be enough
to move these mountains and watch them fall into the sea.

**********

constant frowns in a sea of red faces
a camera could catch this haze
tragedy rips life to pieces,
yet blurs these faces to one
dependent on one another
and bound by experience.
hugs become a joining of hearts --
broken, shattered --
to give way to healing.
mourning is natural --
the night comes like waves.
Healing rescues with the rising of the sun
and thus the sea of faces will become clearer,
the faces more distinguished.

it's not for us to understand


**********

Night blurs the faces of many
all bound by experience
and dependent on one another.
Darkness joins shattered hearts
creating rain that heals, mends...
longing for peace.
As the first lights come
chills are blotted out by warmth,
love, comfort.

**********


03 May 2009

a weekend in the life

This weekend was so much fun. Apart from a few mixed emotions, I really had fun.
Jenn's brother Rick was down (or up..or over...) and we had a blast. He's annoying as poop in a hilarious sort of way and Jenn + Rick + me + Jessie = hilariousness to say the least.

Friday night was the balloon ride, of course, and a little bit of Moe's to make the world go around. A tornado thought about dropping by and the comedian was crackin' on pugs and Dora the Explorer. Anybody have a green card?? Exhaustion soon set in and of course Jenn's DVD player decided to jump the border and forget what it was designed to do -- play movies.

Saturday was full of lovely sleep and lunch with other kiddies. Dinner was tacos at Christin's and the evening held the most intense game of Never Have I Ever that is imaginable surrounding a pitcher of koolaid. This was aided in hilariousness by the Jen Correy dance and Hairspray. Not soon after was the night filled with Rock Band and crawling across the floor. Nap time resumed its normal position around two am.

Today...oh was today a trip. Waking up to a text message and a full bladder kept me awake for the rest of the day. Lunch was with the Costa Ricans and poor Jessie, still showing signs from the previous evening's adventures. Upon finishing my art project, I had a rough conversation with Lauren that lasted less than an hour, but felt like an eternity. Morton-Lemley was basically attacked by a whirlwind of closterphobia...forget the tornado. We were all crowded into the basement -- fifty or sixty people packed into basically a classroom. It was warm and muggy. My head was already realing from the previous hour's conversation followed promptly by a shower of tears. Being trapped in a cage with a billion other birds made me want to screech, not sing. Trying to sleep didn't help. The heat and packed bodies just kept pounding at my skin. My ears felt like they were swelling, trapping my brain inside to pound its way out. At last, they told us we could leave. I stood too quickly for my own good and found myself spinning. My muscles throughout my body -- legs, arms, heart, chest, back -- quivered faint. I have not come that close to passing out in longer than I can remember.
I grabbed my movie and a few other school essentials and went to Jessie's room for a little while. We made pigs-n-a-blanket and watched Phantom of the Opera. The leftover piggies went to Jenn's where we chillaxed for a while in an effort to make her feel better and give her a break from her studies. I've just now returned to my room for an exhaustive night of studying for Chemistry and finishing my English essay.
This life is crazy, I tell you!
I don't want to be so clingy and say that I will miss my seniors with the intensity of a thousand blazing hot suns, but I will. They are precious to me and this weekend has proved that so well. I enjoy their company and laugh to no end. We are open with each other and just have a ball! They have honestly helped me out in some rough situations. Each and every one of them has brought some special light to my life and as they go away I am sending with them pieces of my heart -- some more than others, of that I'm sure. Goodness. I'm sure one of these days, in an effort not to be sappy out loud, I will write to each of them on here.

Okay, enough, though I could carry on like a blubbering girl for hours!

01 May 2009

to put aside all differences

I'm definitely one-of-a-kind.

When I get hurt, it usually comes out as anger.
If you are my friend and you do something to hurt me, I'll probably get upset.
When I am mad, it lasts for no longer than a few hours if that.
Wasting time fighting is...wasting time to me, precious time.
I've lost many a friend that way and know better.
Often, I am able to put aside my anger .. because I love.
Love is stronger than any sort of anger or hurt or frustration.
I want to give so much of myself to my friends.
Granted, this might be bad for me, but it's true.
I've said so many times that my friends mean the world to me and it's true.
I WILL rock and roll you from head to toe and back again if you hurt them.
God has my heart and soul, but they take up so much of the rest of me.
All of my friends mean the world to me...every single one of them.
I would go to bat for all of them.
I would take a bullet for every single one of them.
This, I promise.