30 June 2009

9 hour drive :)

I think Matt Sellers made my day. :)
He said he was in Athens thinking about his drive home for the 4th and he thought of one of my poems.

I quite definitely miss our conversations and our fun times in Houser's class playing with poetry and laughing over the most analytical nothings.

oh life!

today was swimming with Booger, Mrs. Robin, and Mom. It was swell but I managed to burn my .. well, anyway.
Tomorrow April and I are heading to Atlanta for our crazy fun times :D I'm excited.
must go to the bank..and finish this present!

29 June 2009

mini sharpies!

So, I bought this 4-pack of super sweet mini-sharpies. I'm kind of excited about using them at some point, though at least one of them is not mine... :D

Today has been pretty uneventful. There was a fire down the road around 7am this morning so I got ... a few texts about that one. Yes, 7am. I was none to pleased to find my phone vibrating below my pillow awakening me from a deep and dreamy slumber.
People these days! And all just because my dad works with the fire department! haha I don't mind too terribly much.
Anyway, because of this fuego that seemed so important to those living in the Tucker District, ma and I took a little walk to see the damage done. Armed with a caucasian bagel slathered with strawberry cream cheese and a cheeky plastic cup full of iced sweet tea, we set off on our trek across the .. desert. Or tropical forest depending on your definition of both.
It was to the end of Frank Satterfield and to the right, opposite the way Jen and I walked Friday night, and definitely a shorter distance. I found myself giddy that it was a shorter walk, though, because the air made me feel like I'd donned winter clothes this morning - layers upon layers - and the grass crunched like potato chips under my feet.
Can we have a bit of rain?
The damage to the house was minimal from the outside and we dodged cars coming at lightning-speed down a road with a 35mph speed limit. We all disobey that one.

The rest of the day was filled with a few tennis highlights from Wimbledon and most of "Anne of the Island." I do wish that Gil and Anne would hurry and just be together, though I feel that would bring the end of this series quicker than I'm willing to barter for. I'd rather it go on for almost the rest of time...it's beautifully written and poetically epic. It draws you in through the most incredible scenes and quotes.

But I've got to read Twilight before November.

I'm not looking forward to school. I can't read as much. mehh

soundtrack of..today: "Weightless" - All Time Low
currently:: finishing disk 5/6 of NCIS season 2...while working on a surprise. :D I love surprises! this one I've kept a secret so far, too!!! Shocker, indeed. :)

28 June 2009

post-milly revelations

I heard the song by Kari Jobe again a few minutes ago..more like 30ish, but when I was updating my Facebook status a few minutes ago, part of it came rushing back.

"I sing over you my song of peace."

Lately, I've been battling within myself trying to decide which school to go to. I think it's bothered me and eaten at me more than I've let on to anyone. There are perks and not-so-great things about both Berry and GC&SU. I've been so torn.

This line, a good half hour after my hearing the song, completely slammed into my chest, into my heart with the rush of a catastrophic peace wave. My confusion and insecurities were completely submerged, drowned, in peace from my Daddy.

So often I worry myself over things that I cannot control when I should lend myself to completely trusting the Lord and giving to Him every situation in my life. It's like seeds - if you plant them and keep digging them up to check on them, they will never grow. But if I leave my life in the calloused, deeply lined palms of my heavenly Father, I know that it will all be taken care of in due time.

And not just concerning my future schooling. He is, if I let Him, in full control of EVERYTHING - friendship, my BELOVED, family, health, money, job, everything.
There is nothing that HE cannot handle. He is my ALL, my everything.

He will handle my issues with friends like Lauren. He will correct MY attitude in EVERY situation and help me to react to EVERYTHING in the way that I should.

He has not put this strong desire for a soulmate in my heart for no reason. He will honor the desires of my heart - Psalm 37:4. If I trust in Him, He will guide my paths.

He will bring peace to my household because He promised. He will show me what I'm supposed to be doing after college and provide money and stability to do His will.

He will take me out of my comfort zone in order to better prove His love to me and to USE me more perfectly in His will.

He has given so many promises and my job is to hold so strongly to them that nothing can possibly take them away. I am to lean so fully on Him that I am engulfed by His strength, power, mercy, and love.

26 June 2009

said oooooohhhh!

I'm so excited! And I just can't hide it!

Trying to contain this sort of ecstaticness is just ridiculous and the attempt is in vain!

People are coming to my house tonight for a bonfire. I'm so like...woah...

Jen's coming, Christobal's coming, Adam and Catelyn, Hannah..BOTH of them :D
God is so good to me.

something I realized and temporarily forgot

Okay, so I found this song the other day called "My beloved" by Kari Jobe. She also sings "Revelation Song" which I'm sure some of you have heard. I think I talked about it in one of my previous posts.

Anyway, this song is incredible. If I was doing one of those little quiz things that eventually asks you which song makes you cry, it would be this one.


If you read the lyrics, you might notice the capitalizations of certain words - the obvious ones being those describing our Adonai. Go look again though..

I think one of my favorite phrases in the entire song is You're Beautiful to Me.
If you read this like any normal sentence, it's quite a compliment. To have someone call me beautiful is very special if they truly mean it. To me, that is one of the highest compliments that can be given to me. Beauty is more than just outward appearance, but that's quite a different story for quite another time.
This statement stuck out to me because of the way it was typed.
And for what I'm about to say, you can call me a geek or nerd if you want...I don't care. I'd rather be one. :)

Beautiful is capitalized. When I realized this I was sitting with Hannah and it was in the wee hours of the morning, so my analogy was a little crazy, but I haven't quite been able to make it any better.

You're Beautiful to Me.
It's like God is saying "If I were to look the word 'beautiful' up in the dictionary, your picture would be next to it."
We are "beautiful" personified to Him. Flawless in a sense.

With all of my imperfections--my lack of what a typical guy in this day and age would call 'attractive,' my tendencies to be overly clingy [like a lot of girls], my stupid sense of humor, and my ridiculous nature to hurt those I love--

I am THE BEAUTIFUL ONE in His eyes.

25 June 2009

NCIS is on pause

because neighbors are over...
so I thought I'd take this moment to just make a few little blurbs.

1. I love music..a lot of it.
2. One of my favorite 'past times' is talking about the Lord. I love having conversations about my Daddy upstairs. My heart gets in a whirl and I just..it's incredible to speak of Him with others.
3. It is more than a blessing to have people, family even, to discuss Him with. There's just something about discussing your Savior with others who also believe that cannot be described.
4. NCIS is one of my favorite shows.
5. Tomorrow is Friday which means my first bonfire of the summer...I pray it will not be the last.
6. Consequently, tomorrow is also the next time I get to see Jennifer Parr! suhhweet!
7. I love my bonfires because God always shows Himself and I get to join hearts once again with so many dear friends, no matter what has happened since our last conversation.
8. Lucy Maud Montgomery is officially one of my favorite authors. She was before, but even more so now that I am in book three of Anne Shirley's adventures.
9. I will never quite understand why God has blessed me so much.
10. I want a Tinker Bell costume to go with my Tinker Bell Pez dispenser.

"throw it away
forget yesterday
we'll make the great escape"


my insides are not happy today. They want me to be pissed.
So, I'm borderline pissed off at my mother and my Granny..and my brother because he's a lazy turd.


But I'm happy. I really am. I'm just..tired? maybe...
tooooo much mushrooms to take care of before tomorrow.

might I add

I am constantly floored by my Father.

Have you ever had desires, feelings, wants, needs even...that you just felt deep down. But to tell someone [and this is just a random example] to text you randomly or send you a letter...would kind of take away the meaning of it because you had to suggest it.
Is that psycho?

I kind of thought it might be until recently.

God seems to know when I need a little boost...when I just need to KNOW.
Sometimes it's like He's just hugging me...and I promise you, He gives the best hugs.

To say that I'm thankful and grateful for the blessings I have in my life would be an understatement.
To say I'd been brought to my knees or fallen prostrate at His feet in ... complete awe would be short of what I feel in the presence of my Adonai.
Just breathing His name brings a peace over my heart. If there is one who can make me weak in the knees and give my heart the craziest flutter, it is He.

and how He tells me He loves me...there are so many ways. Countless, numerous, various, in every way.

24 June 2009


so everyone things I look 12.

Is this justified? Should I start acting 12?

I like the number 12, just not when associated with my age.

19 - 12 = 7.

23 June 2009

Uptown Girl

"I run to you when my heart is weak, I cling to you..you're all I need." You provide my every need and bless me until my heart feels like it will burst. Joy such as this cannot be known outside Your everlasting embrace.

holy cow. I feel like I have just been...wow. I don't even know. I serve an incredible God.

Last night was Boys Like Girls in Atlanta and it was fabulous. We were able to get all-access passes for our little group. I even got to go on their tour bus!! On the way up there, we stopped at Chick Fil A in Griffin and I got to meet Mrs. Joyce's new boy. It was nice. He seems pretty cool and a bunch more legit than the previous few that there have been. She seems happy with him. That's what matters the most to me.
When we finally got there and had finished our five minute visit with the boys on the bus, I got so anxious. Jennifer called and said she was on her way and my stomach was turning. It's easy to forget how much you miss someone until the few moments before you see them. I think I was more excited just to see her face than I was to see Boys Like Girls at all!
I met her outside at Ketchup, but refrained from tackling her. It was definitely hard!! hahaha

Inside Heaven it was incredibly hot. Our passes got us into some A/C though :) We got to chat with the other bands - Never Shout Never and The Ready Set - as well as free access to loads of water and beer if we wanted it [yuck! but to each his/her own]. We traipsed in and out, depending on how much heat we felt like dealing with, each time showing our sweet pink pass. holla! Jennifer and I took lots of crazy pictures just because we can and acted like goof balls most of the time - typical us. I like it :)
Boys Like Girls finally took the stage - there was so much fog that .. I know they couldn't see anything! My pictures look like nothing but schmokiness. Since it was BabySam's birthday, Martin bought him a nastycake from Walmart or K-Mart or somewhere and made the whole crowd sing happy birthday to him ... and THEN ... Sam got to play drums for hero/heroine - well, the beginning of it. Of course he knew it too. :) I love that kid and his talent!! I think that's probably the most incredibl 16th birthday present you could get! It beats my bonfire for SURE.

After that, we chilled with the guys after their showers and got them to sign stuff and just be friends. It was pretty cool.
When Mrs. Joyce said that we needed to probably get going soon, my heart was very much not happy. It was telling me that it didn't want to go. And only 4 hours with Jennifer freaking Parr is not enough. That's like telling a drug addict he/she can only have one puff of the good stuff or telling someone to only eat one Pringle. You just can't.

Jennimifer and I ran out the do' to exchange books and such. When we got to Ketchup, she realized she left her lights on so his battery was dead. We didn't think we would find jumper cables, but we finally did, praise the Lord, and all was right with the world. :) I was sad that we had to leave though. We forgot to grab the books and such out of Ketchup's butt so I had to crawl over the seat and get them. I wasn't about to let Ketchup be turned off because he might not live again. Plus, I miss crawling over the seats. :)
Before we left for Steak-n-Shake, I got to read the very first part of our notebook and it scared me. I was anxious just to get to some light somewhere so I could sit down and read it. When I did, I cried. No one noticed, thank the Lord. I don't know how I would've explained it because I couldn't find words. To say I was speechless or breathless would only be half of it. My heart was going crazy because I have been blessed with the most incredible friends who share my faith in Adonai. If you'd asked me fall semester of last year, I would never have guessed that I'd be this happy after everything that happened last year. I would never have guessed that Jennifer and I would be close beyond acquaintances and I would have never guessed that I'd be just...so blessed.

The ride home was crazy. I should've gone to sleep, but I wouldn't let myself. It's hard for me to when I know that other people are trying to stay awake and drive and it's hard. I feel obligated to suffer with them and help keep them awake. :D I'm crazy, I know.
I know I didn't go to sleep, but I did daydream a little. When I'm riding home from concerts or just fun-time I find myself in rewind going back over what happened that night/day. I go back through everything, from getting back stage passes or that car that passed us to a grab of the hand and whisper that no one else would hear. Through doing that, I realized that my heart is full to overflowing. I've made so many memories that I don't want to forget. I know that many of them will slowly slip to the back of my mind and I will eventually no longer be able to recall them - some of them already have - but I am so thankful. I will never be able to forget the overall feeling of joy and breathlessness that comes from being blessed with kindred spirits and dear friends.

Today I've done a little bit of nothing. I slept some after Georgia Power came this morning and fixed the power - there was a storm last night that knocked power out in my neighborhood. Lightning struck a power pole and split it in half. last night when we came home, it was just hanging there. I'm so grateful that the lines didn't touch the ground. At least the GP people got a good night's rest and were able to work on the lines without too much grogginess clouding their judgements. :)
I put pictures up on Facebook of last night and successfully blew up Jennifer's email by commenting on almost all of her pictures from her roadtrip to Canada/Niagara Falls. :D I'm such an awesome kid sometimes. :P Then I picnik'd some and am still doing so. I've got to work on my story! And I want to read. Having gone three days without a bit of NCIS might be the death of me.

I love thinking about the future - thinking about how many times Jennifer and I get to hang out and the roadtrip to Nashville with she and April [it's going to be epic, I'm telling you]..and everything. But last night a comment was made that made my mind go places I didn't like. It made me realize that I'm going to be back at school, which is okay. I can deal with that - but there's going to be a time when two weeks is nothing..when it's more like a month or two...and I don't know if I can handle it!
I saw a Facebook bumper sticker that put this quite well and I think it was a Charlie Brown quote : "Absense may make the heart grow fonder but it sure does make the rest of you lonely."
Missing people sucks. And I miss a lot!

20 June 2009


aahhhh! I'm just happy..joyful. joyful is a better word.
God is just good...He blesses me.
I love listening to music that praises His name. I love reading His Word. I love talking to Him and writing to Him.


19 June 2009

panda dreams

so I've been trying to update for a while, but this stupid thing is acting the fool.
Oh well, whatever.
I forget what was important to say last night...shocker.
I currently don't have enough strawberry cream cheese to finish my bagel before I go sit on children and it's driving me insane.
Also, as of today, all 3 times that I have been/[3rd monday] to the Masquerade, I have had one thing in common. Grotesque.
My lotion is amazing. I love it a lot.
Okay, I've gotta go. Stupid cream cheese. Sitting on babies until 12 - watching Transformers for most of the day...I think I'm going to take a nap during it. I'm a sleepy panda.
I wish I was a panda sometimes.......

17 June 2009


dude. I have talented cousins. they can all sing.
Especially Christina. goooooodness. Her voice gives me chills. Sure, she's got a set of pipes, but she sings so much from her soul that it's crazy. Everytime she opens her mouth to sing it's obvious how much she depends on the Lord.

At Youth tonight, the praise band sang "Revelation Song" by Kari Jobe. If you haven't heard it or any of Kari's other music, I encourage you NOW to look it up on YouTube or Myspace or Facebook - somewhere! It's so good!!
But when Christina and Ashley belted out those notes, I had chills. The first time I heard that song was at Transition at Berry...and I remember so vividly the chains, the baggage, that I released to the Lord then. It wasn't the song that did it or anything like that, but I remember singing...almost screaming...that song with the relief and joy that I felt.
That all came flooding back to me tonight when I heard them sing that song. I wish I could find a recording of them singing that song or just Christina singing. She has an incredible voice and I feel so blessed to know her.

I'm leaving to go with April to Roberta for a little while. I'll be back later. I don't think I'm going to sleep much tonight. My heart is too on fire. <3

p.s. I miss ketchup...it's too hot to be riding in anything but a topless jeep!

15 June 2009



Family reunion was last weekend - lots of trains, babies, food, cards, water, and mosquitoes. even on my tumm.

I haven't written much lately, whoops.

Sitting on babies 9-12 everyday. It's a task. They're crazies. Nothing I can't handle though, just a little on the annoying side.

Almost finished with Anne of Avonlea. I'm trying not to rush it ... I don't want to finish it while I can't get the third one. :P

My tumm looks Mexi.


Anne Shirley makes me want to write. One of my favorite parts so far in the first two books is when she and Diana stumble upon Miss Lavender Lewis. The painted picture of her little house and gardens is just incredible. It's so amazing to find a kindred spirit in the middle of no where when you least expect it. :)

I write feverishly
of inspiration personified.
one moment frozen in time
a picture of beauty.

It is you I dream of
amidst the lavender breeze.
Your face comes with ease
on the beat of Imagination's wing.


God keeps leading me back to 1 Corinthians 13. The first three verses are hard to swallow if you really think about it. We are nothing without love - not love as it is defined in this day and age by most people, but love as it was meant.
Love is a choice. It requires action, investment, time. It's not just a feeling, it's a covenant.
Tonight the part in verse five that says "love keeps no record of wrongs." I struggle with that so much. It's hard not to hold a grudge when people have hurt you. It's hard not to just let the imperfections of others slide sometimes. It's hard to forgive and put love in the place of anger, malice, hurt, and desire for revenge.

Love...without keeping score.

12 June 2009

Who could see your heart...

Who could see your heart and resist you? The rich blood that flows there is more pure than can be found in such a wretched place as this.

This morning felt horrible. It's so hard for me to understand why people do what they do. I can't bring myself to condemn or judge or even be truly upset about it, but somewhere I know that if I wasn't being held by THE One, True God...it would hurt, to the utmost.

I wish I could show them, to stand before them broken, and show them how God has mended me and improved me. Life isn't a bed of roses and everyone makes mistakes and has skeletons in their back pockets, but judgment is a little harsh coming from those who've known you for so long.

A friend once told me...humanity is no excuse for our sins, but it's all we have. [AM]

They confuse me...I'm not sure I understand why all of this happens or where it comes from. I don't see how they see. Is that bad? Am I merely a 'teenager who will grow out of it' or is this really me?


Four letters of the twenty-six that make up the English alphabet, each of which is abused.
I know no four letters who, together, are as abused as these.
And, oh, how many four-letter words there are in our society today.
Ask Scattegories which asks you for one depending on the bright side of the die.


A simple sentence that can stand on its own.
A peaceful, yet urgent command. Forceful, yet a whisper.
Pristine and articulate.


As simple as "go" or "come"
How can we stand idly by and ignore such an urgent and powerful command?


11 June 2009

Desert rain

Sometimes I feel like I'm in a desert
dry, thirsty, alone, parched, famished,
fatigued, near exhaustion.

then the rain comes
sweetly caressing, gracefully falling
beating into my heart a new rhythm

chapped lips and calloused skin
are no more as the radiating heat
of the desert sand is gone.

A cool refreshing is birthed in these raindrops.
In every season of my life,
He is still God.

freakish and weird tendancies

Have you ever purposefully wanted to hurt someone...just to see how they would react or how far they would go to still be your friend?

I know that sounds a mite ridiculous, but nonetheless..hear me out.

Irrationality is something that lives within us all - it's called our heart. Proverbs says that your heart leads to your destruction, but trusting in the Lord leads to righteousness and prosperity.

Honestly, I feel like I'm always learning more about myself. For the longest time, I didn't understand many of my actions and never understood why I was in certain situations or why I felt the way I did.

One feeling that is almost subconscious, but I know it's there, is the desire to hurt my friends...not to hurt them in the sense that I would completely break their hearts or take what portion of themselves that they have given to me and rip it to shreds, but in the sense that I would cross "the line" just a bit...just to see how much they care.

I know you're thinking "why the heck is she admitting this? And why is she so weird? None of this makes sense." Well, I don't know. It's on my heart.

I was doing a Beth Moore Bible study before the semester ended and it talked about "breaking the mold" - not continually repeating the sins and self-destructive things that you HAVE done, but to change...that's how you get closer to God - long to be like Him...allow Him to change you and show you how you SHOULD act and react in given circumstances.

I find my spirit wrestling with my heart, like Paul said in Romans. I know that I shouldn't, but there's something inside of me that still wants to.

It makes Romans 13:8 hard to swallow - owe no man anything but to love him.
That verse has come to mean so much to me, especially after really digging into 1 Corinthians 13...not just the "love is this love is that" part, but the beginning where it says that you can do ANYTHING...you can be great...but if you don't have love, you are nothing. How can I possibly stay true to the Word when I have this feeling inside me? The Word convicts me in my heart, but sometimes I don't know how to control my 'feelings' though it doesn't seem like a feeling to me...

1 Corinthians 10:13 gives me a boost of faith - "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

09 June 2009


new magazine?! :P if you steal Jenn's idea, I'll kill you.

I got my ice cream last night. It was tasty! <3 I wrote a rhyme-y poem last night...at 2:30 in the morning [gotta love those ones that wake you up!]...and it sucks. I mean, it's a good idea, but I still feel like all my rhyme-y poems are lame and cheesy.
but I'll share anyway

Can I make a promise to you?
It's one I want to keep
but sometimes my flesh gets in the way
and it's hard for me to see.

I promise you through everything
and with all that I can be
I will love you to the end of time
it will never cease.

in any and all situations
I want you to feel free
to say absolutely anything
because honest with you will I be

Don't be afraid to ask me something
or come to me in times of need
I will love you always
now until eternity.

Forget fears of abandonment
or friends who tend to leave
behind you and beside you
right here is where I will be.

You'll never have to look too far
or pay a costly fee
I promise that will I love you
Until God's face we see.

for friends are friends forever
and friends is what we will be
from now until forever
for all eternity.

08 June 2009


so I'm writing a story.

it sucks.

GCSU has me as an out-of-state student due to some flop in their system...aka long phone calls to people who aren't really paying attention.

I think I need a nap

edit: NAPTIME IS OBER!!!! I feel like going out for ice cream or something. I've gotten a few pages typed of my story. It might not be so bad. I'm my own worst critic.
I'm trying to find a funny movie. Suggestions?

07 June 2009

weird dreams

I had a weird dream when I took a nap this afternoon [and slept for three or four hours, by the way]. I don't quite remember all of it. It's really shrouded and confusing me...but I've got this really heavy feeling on my heart. It's creeping me out a little bit..

I still can't figure out my crazy dreams, but that's okay. I'm not much of a phone-call sort of person..it just drives me insane! But I seem to giggle a lot these days while I'm on the phone. It's the only way I can get my drug fix for the day/week! Sometimes just hearing a person's voice makes life a little bit more exciting. :D
heart you

January Loves

I've always wanted to wish upon a star,
to cast those dreams into the wild blue universe
and have them return fruitful and true.
It's always been about catching that falling star
and cradling it closely, delicately
in hopes of a dreamful surprise.
But this time ... this time, it's changed.
I believe I've caught my shooting star
...right in the heart...
and now I'm having the hardest time breathing.


Are you my Prince Charming?
My heart is running a race.
i hate to tell you, but I had almost given up.
A knight in shining armor? for me?
this vision in every girl's heart just never seemed plausible.
My messy hair with a mind of its own
tag-teamed by a mind and heart wild with emotion and imagination
followed unsurely by a less than princess figure...
just did not seem to be the right mix.
I fought for confidence, a sense of hope
looking for the one who walked with me once upon a dream.
Often distcouraged and hurt, I fell to my knees
looking up for a miracle...an answer to prayer.
when the stars were aligned [He'd had a plan all along],
You came along, waltzing into my life
with no plans to leave.
is it really you?


Under a green sky with indigo clouds, I stood.
Watching chartreuse birds and mauvelous bees float by.
The sun shown tickle-me-pink and cast an ivory glow.
Trees stood scarlet and deceptive, my skin iridescent beneath them.
The mountains and grass glowed lavender and violet around me.
Over the horizon of teal you rode, and offered me your hand.
you lead me away to your world and dreams
to spring green grass beside icy blue brooks.
the sky turned a peaceful blue, the clouds a starry white.
trees swayed in the wind, deep shades of forest green and brown.
all is right in this world, where the sun shines yellow and hot
as long as I'm with you
together for now..forever.

06 June 2009

fiery flames of frustration

we are too far apart
for an arm's reach to suffice...
but I see you in the flames of this fire
the passion with which they dance and curl
is the same passion i see in your eyes.
i long for your touch,
if only the pressure of your fingertips
fiery upon my skin.
you seduce me with your glance
even from this distance..so great.
I'm in a furnace at the sound of your voice
my mind is spinning at the simple thought
your breath, meant to cool,
only kindles this blaze inside
the spark in your eye ignites a passion inside
that is impossible to hide.
i want you so!


I need you to save my life
I'm suffocating, dying
these flames are so briht
their heat is intoxicating
you are my only hope
the only one to extinguish this fire
by matching this passion
with a spark of your own.
i want you..
i need you..
to survive.


icy blue skies and billowing clouds set this scene
my list keeps growing; this inferno is intoxicating.
why can't this just end?
I've never felt such pain.
the wind is whirling
spinning these flames to the very outskirts of my heart.
i can't believe there will be many survivors.
to look from inside four walls, you would never see.
but step into my world for just one minute
you may not last.


I stand here all alone, hands outstretched
longing just to hold you once more.
my warning wasn't fair enough
I'm bound to hurt you.
this bliss will never last.
my fears loom as locks
breaking any attachments
and locking them in a world of oblivion.
is this what it's like to be a princess?
trapped inside walls of fear, hurt, distrust?
Take this crown, I don't want it anymore.


my head is spinning
you've taken my heart
in the fireflies of your eyes
you've reversed past pain
and given me reason to smile again


deceptive demons driving
even established
clients collectively
insane. insinuating intimidating
sanctions. striving
incessantly in
offices offering
nothing necessarily
satisfying, specifically...


(this one makes me giggle)
pathetically patronized people
over-analyzing ovaries on octopus -
every explicit event-
trying terribly to
rectify remaining
yellow yak yelps.


My head is spinning
and my heart, so unsure.
Looking at every option
only makes me lose control.
The answer is shrouded
by this nauseating tension.
is the answer clear to see?
Am I ignoring what I know is true?
Or is this truly hopeless...
much like the tears that fall unbidden.
I want this waiting to be over
Make this anger and uncertainty subside.
Can I just know what you want?
And make this all worthwhile...
I hate feeling this way

books and notebooks

Six flags was fun today. :)
I'm so glad April came with. I love hanging out wif her!!
She and Jennimifer finally met - my life can basically just be over now 'cause that's the epitome of incredible! hahahaha

And I was entrusted with a book of poems...and I can't put it down.
I devour poetry...but that's kind of not pretty. It's different than that. I drink it. I breathe it. It's like...air. :D

p.s. walked in to my acceptance letter from GCSU..praying hard for God's will and guidance on this.

05 June 2009


The second hand ticks
as these words begin to fail
when everything falls apart,
I find myself just sitting here
A broken string of pearls,
just another example
of this disorganization I’ve fallen to.
On my own I’m absolutely nothing.
Reading and re-reading,
all I find serves as no escape
from this confusion I’ve found.
If there were one, it’d be you.
but as the second hand ticks
and these words begin to fail,
when everything falls apart
I’m left with nothing to lean on.

As My Friend

i get to wondering sometimes if you just see me as an annoyance.
do you?
i think i'm just paranoid...but i love you
love isn't to be played with
it's serious
sometimes i feel like you wish you could say "shut up and go away"
and it scares me.
i don't know how to feel about it.
do i push you away? do i hold you tighter? am i smothering you?
just tell me, talk to me...


teddy bears can't talk...

04 June 2009

trig exam sophomore year

The metal is cold, shivers pierce the air.
Lead pours itself becoming one with the surface.
The tapping is constant, drowning the beat of the drums.
Smoke fills the room, concentrating itself in certain areas.
The table squeaks; wheels are turning.
A slight disturbance intensifies the restlessness.
Eyes begin to burn, hair is tossed to the side.
numbers carve the skin of our destiny.
A sigh of relief blows the smoke into another mad house.
Zippers slice the air; everything is moving.
Doors slam as another is brought to the inferno.
Chaos tortures us like animals.
Whispers fill the clouds of smoke as overworked machines shutdown.
The words are louder; the movement more often.
Bombs tick, eating away at sanity.
Tapping resumes persistently, frantically.
Frustration releases itself in three. Two.
It just isn’t the loneliest number anymore.