30 April 2009

I'm thinkin' again

Oh boy, oh boy.

I'm having a hard time eating these days for so many reasons. I mean, when I'm with Bell and the girls it's not so bad, but when I'm with my loves it hurts a bit.

I'm so nervous for them and for me. I always get this anxious feeling when I come to realize that people will be leaving or when I know I will be leaving. It's intense how things change -- in High school you were guaranteed a lot of constants, but in college I'm beginning to realize that the only constant is that everything changes.

Some of you, I know, will go all manic-depressed on me. No, I'm not depressed. I'm not suffering through schizophrenia or anything ridiculous like that...I'm just crazy attached to so many people. This is the same thing that happened freshman year of high school because I was best friends with the seniors at the time, the current graduating college class. :P I'm not sure how many of you remember having a "freshman" when you were a senior or having a "senior" when you were a freshman...kind of like ownership in an odd sort of way. Well, I was a freshman with all the seniors fighting over me in high school. :D They loved me! Granted the same is not true today, but there are a few special loves that are taking part of my heart with them across the wide expanse of this world when they leave this year.

My chemistry final is completely multiple choice -- all of them coming from the worksheets we've done for homework this semester. I'm so stoked because we don't have stupid essay questions and it won't be hard to look over the homeworks and remember the ansewrs ot the questions. I'm also excited because my sociology final is multiple choice and matching as well - with no essay questions. I don't think the teachers realize how much easier that makes life for poor college students who are sure to have frazzled brains by this time in the semester. I'm sure it makes life a lot easier for them as well when it comes to grading these poor finals.

Success that the semester is quite close to being finished. i'm lovin' it that's for sure. I have one major paper and my art project due and a five minute speech..and two actual tests. I'm really not stressing any of this right now.

Alas, my blabbing is gone for today. :)

It's not too late, it's never too late

Urgh, this week has been intense. I just finished my sociology paper and my Chemistry project. We had to devise some .. 'something' to display some of the concepts we learned in class. It could be anything from a song to a powerpoint to a video. I chose to do a children's book.
It's called "Are you my opposite?"
Get this, the attention-getter is on the back. It says "Cation and anion are opposites. Somehow they are lost. CAN YOU HELP CATION FIND ANION?"
Clever, I know. Don't hate.
For 5% of my grade, I guess it's fab.

Enough chit-chat for this late hour. I'm off to bed, that's for sure.


For the record, Jennifer Parr rocks my socks.

28 April 2009

Transition [midnight cry]

I wrote this tonight...We had a worship thing on campus called Transition. I definitely think you guys should visit the website: collegeatgrace.com/transition.aspx. It's so incredible. I had so many burdens lifted from me tonight and I just feel so free, like I can float. I've heard the anaolgy made of carrying a heavy burden up a mountain and finally being able to put it down, but tonight I feel like the man in the Crucible who was laid on the ground and had stones piled upon his chest until he died. The only difference is this: I had the weight lifted tonight and am now finally able to breathe! I feel like I have been trapped under water, lungs burning, for so long. And just tonight was I able to take a gasp of air and I don't want to stop breathing.

when everything else is gone
when you're alone
all your friends have left you
abandonment closes in upon you.
loneliness wrenches at your heart
and tears your clothes, rending your body
and leaving you for dead
look up .... I am there
everlasting and never to leave you
never forsaking you or letting
them get to you.


and I will call peace over you
I will bless you beyond your dreams
I will give you the desires of your heart
and lavish my unending love on you.
I will present you to all as mine.
You are mine.
You are mine

be still my soul

God is so good to me!

I've been stressed beyond belief for the past week and I know that this week is going to be hard, but God has blessed me.

I find myself daily in the company of friends and strangers...and though they know it not, they are a comfort to me. I miss dearly the friends of high school and days gone by, but am anticipating so much the future, that sometimes these days pass me by without notice.

God has put people in my life to slow me down and help me to see Him. I am so in love with Him and loving them with a passion and care that is indescribable.

My friends mean so much to me. I will rock you up and down if you hurt them or say something against them. I won't have it. They mean more to me than the breath that slips carelessly from these faint lips.

Be still my soul, be still my heart. I can barely breathe...He is on my side.

Isn't that such an incredible statement? My poor body can hardly handle it. I shudder in amazement and pure weakness. He is my all. My everything.

He blesses me with the most incredible friends ever. Woahbuddy. I'm just too excited.

27 April 2009

still reeling

I'm still reeling from 1 Corinthians 13.

I can speak any language.
I can speak kindness... caring words.
My words can be sweet like honey to the ears.
I can prophecy of things that were, are, and will come.
My knowledge and understanding can go beyond simple academics.
My faith can abound to the ends of the earth.
I can have enough faith to build a mountain, to move a mountain, to part the seas.
My life can be a dedication to the poor.
I may live my life in servitude to those around me.
I can sell my possessions and live entirely for the bettering of others.
My life can be lived as a martyr in other countries, or in this one, for the Word.
I can give and give and give...
but if I do not LOVE, I am nothing more than a wasted breath.

Check these kids out:: http://calebandsol.blogspot.com
their music is incredible...the lyrics are fabulous. There's more on their myspace, so check that as well. It will touch you.

26 April 2009

1 Corinthians 13

I was on Twitter earlier and ran across Kelly Needham's 'site.'
Her status mentioned teaching on 1 Corinthians 13.
Now, I'm sure most of you don't even have to open your Bibles to remember that this chapter in the Bible discusses charity, or love, and its parameters [or...lack thereof].
Reciting verses 4-8 are simple...love is patient, love is kind...but do you remember the first few verses?

Though I speak with the tongues of men and of angels, and have not charity, I am become as a sounding brass, or a tinkling cymbal.
And though I have the gift of prophecy, and understanding all mysteries, and all knowledge; and though I have all faith, so that I could remove mountains, and have not charity, I am nothing.
And though I bestow all my goods to feed the poor, and though I give my body to be burned, and have not charity, it profiteth me nothing.

Think about it...

swooning memory

I recently awakened to find myself in love with a memory...
closing my eyes brings this comparison between waves, the ocean, and history back again.
like the tide goes and come, we trip and fall.
I'm in love with a memory,
but I'm deciding to move on and leave it behind.
Memories are special; precious arrow heads found half buried in the tilled ground.
...sometimes they are to be left there to be forgotten, planted.
for collecting them all would mean carrying the weight of the world
in these calloused palms.
what say you to this memory I am in love with?
I say it is time to let go of what I know has been holding me back.
I say it is time to drop this pack of memories and run the last, steepest portion of this mountain
to finally reach the tip, the peak, the climax of this life.
On the way back down, we'll remember what we've been and where we've learned.
Until then...

Catelyn (whom I love)

sometimes it takes a text message on a southern Sunday morning from a friend you've long since conversed with to bring your week full-circle.

I woke up to the most beautiful text from a dear sophomore friend at my old high school. So throughout the day we've been discussing our lives and loves -- changes, similarities, constants, and most things that impact us. She's beginning to realize, much like I did, that certain environments aren't the best for your Christian walk. She's getting closer to the Lord and told me that I was half the reason. She said she saw something in me -- the surety I had..and when I didn't, my reliance on the Bible to find it. I used to write Bible verses on my wrist with Sharpie during the hard times in my life. I had almost forgotten how helpful that was to me...wow.

I tell you, it's such a joy to find that your actions, your life, your love, have impacted someone else and helped them.

I am overcome with joy.

20 April 2009

18 April 2009

my friend Curt told me this tonight:

"yeah...[satan] knows us a lot better than we do, but we DO know that the Lord is stronger than anything the enemy can throw at us. When we fall, even in our weakness, it's not a matter of how we fall, it's a matter of where we fall to."

14 April 2009


Explain yourself.

How do I start? Where does this feeling come from? The obvious answer would seem so simplistic to you, but it is so much more than you are allowing yourself to see. Open your eyes, your ears of understanding. Let the world fade from your mind and body.

I want to show you.

I want you to see, to touch, to feel what I find myself delving into at this very moment. Come with me? Join me? Cast away your nets, for they are tangled and never to be free.

He is!

You can finish that sentence with whatever you want. Truth, life, mercy, grace, THE way, the path to righteousness, the Judge, Father. He is my all. He is the all. He is all there is. Past, present, future. He alone will last.

His promises, for me.

Personalized by His signature, these checks, promises, fall from heaven and give me what I have need of. I speak Your name!

I am yellow

I am yellow
a stain vivid to all
[Out, damn'd spot!]
SIN stain
alive in me.

I am yellow
a light shines through me
[What light breaks?]
THE light
yellow and bright.

13 April 2009

What kind of love?

that associates with
the filth on your shoe
that loves the dirt you tirelessly
try to rend from your body
that speaks into motion the very heart
you call your own
that watches painfully as you tear yourself away,
that asks little of you and yet you give
deceit, distrust, abandonment
to what you've only ever known
to follow your own mental lusts and desires.
He said He'd walk through fire

would your love?

09 April 2009

indecision and mental havoc still seek to destroying

It's days like this when I'm feeling something
something in the slap of the wind
something in the vibe from the grass.
To place a finger on it would only increase the
discomfort, ambiguity, deception.
What is this we are after to gain?
Are we mere mortals?
or do we feel beyond our sensory fail.
I hold my tongue
in an effort to dam this spitting buildup of words
impossible solutions
wilting ferns and bodacious promises.
and out
and out
as if the moon itself lay hand to this thoughtful tide.
Again I am not one to chase what knowledgeably, fearfully
will inevitably, quickly return.
and yet
and out
I run, trip, fall, hurt,
I rise
limb by fatigued limb
beat by beat
and out
to the source of You.

07 April 2009

feels time like rose petals
falling swiftly through her fingers
barely out of reach,
yet maybe one dangles closer to catch
and smell its sweet caress
before this sweet surrender
drifts shapelessly away
to torture one less solemn soul


Dear Diana,
Though we have known each other for such a short time, I feel so close to you. But...I'm so very tired of being the only one to see these issues and yet I know I am not the only one to recognize the situation...I am just the only one who has acknowledged it. I know you can't be in the middle because we're only acquaintances, but I feel I can talk to you.
I miss talking to you.
While we are only acquaintances, we are best friends. Or...you are my best friend. I'm beginning to see through the absence of your letters and telegrams that you may not feel the same way. Sometimes you feel so close to me, but during these times of desperate longing, I feel that you are farther away than the sun at midnight.
Dear friend...dear, dear friend, please return my letters. I write to you because I care. I write to you because I feel we have a bond. I don't write to you out of boredom, but rather pure necessity because of the high position you have come to hold in my mind, in my life, in my heart. You are quite important to me.


02 April 2009

serenaded by angels

This week has been a rough one. I have had the craziest dreams every night this week -- with people dying, being kidnapped, being lost, and all sorts of other things.

A few other things have come to light as well. Relay for Life is this Friday [tomorrow] and I am beyond excited. I have been looking forward to this for months now and I can't wait to be there and just be doing for this wonderful cause.
That brings about another interesting thought. I really would like to work for St. Jude's or Egleston or the ACS even! I would love to spend the rest of my life helping people who are fighting so hard this battle against cancer. My life has been touched and I want so much to give to those who are fighting. The way it looks right now, though, is I will have to change majors to something to do with nursing or counceling, which I don't want to do. I am praying for God to just open doors for me if this is the way I should go and show me the path I should go down. I really feel that He might be calling me to a ministry with the ACS or an organization like it.

Life is often frustrating. These bad dreams and the presence of so many different crazy things going on in life makes me loopy. My brain has not been connected to anything outside of my stomach this week. The only thing, until tonight, that I have honestly felt is...hungry.

It's frustrating to me when you try to help someone close and yet your efforts seem to be unwanted. It hurts me when I try and am told I don't care, regardless of the situation. I am constantly made to wonder if the people in my life now -- all of them -- will turn out much like the ghosts of my past. Or will they break the mold? This endless chain that seems to follow hauntingly.

My hands and mind want to write, but my heart is too cliche today.