22 September 2009

insomnia and food network

I can't seem to decide whether it's normal to have someone make you feel constantly guilty and obligated to give in, or if that's just the mess I've gotten myself into.

18 September 2009

sick little game of decisions

I want only You satisfied,
my personal desires and logic aside.
I can’t see the answer,
these options keep changing.
I have nowhere to turn
nor one to speak the truth.
Only You, in Your all-knowing expertise,
can lead me in this sick little game.
This sick little game of blind leading the blind.
You are the only one gifted with eyes that can see.
The rest of us are just confident in our ignorance.
I’m beginning to realize,
This is a losing battle and I’m going to end up in the ditch.
Number my steps and give me direction,
lead me in Your ways.
What I want is of no significance.
I want only You satisfied.

16 September 2009

in fall days there is flavor

On some days I miss my friends who are far from me more than others, but I'm alright.

My heart is so overflowing with love that I can't make heads or tails of it.

I've half a page left in my notebook - literally half - and the nostalgia and surreal reality that I have completely filled this notebook with a little over a year's worth of memories and notes is incredible to me. I always feel such an accomplishment when I punctuate the last line of a notebook. Looking back I am able to see how God brought me through situations that I felt like would never have light. He gave and took away in so many different aspects of my life and I see that it is all working for my good. He is so powerful and so true to His Word and promises. I feel like I've grown so much, come so far...yet it's only been a year and I am still a child in my knowledge.

Oh love that will not let me go!

p.s. Guitar = Jude. <3

11 September 2009

heart beat heart break

It's no secret that James is getting married in November. I'm so excited for him and his new life - in the military and with this girl that seems to be so in love with the Lord according to what he's said. It's incredible when God brings two people together in His love and joins them!

I'm just struggling with the fact that both Brandon and Megan were invited to go, but I wasn't. Brandon is best man...we were all best friends. We hung out after school everyday, every weekend...I felt like we shared so much. It broke my heart when James left for Maine days after we graduated...only to have Brandon and Megan move to Ohio within two weeks and my trip to Germany sooner than that. They were truly my best friends senior year of high school. I have so many memories that I will never forget with them. We shared so much about the Lord, picked each other up during hard times, and dealt with all the drama that we each caused...and I kind of thought we'd stay friends forever..hah.
Right after I came to Rome, I still talked to all three of them. Megan and I still talk but it's rare that Brandon ever calls..and James's phone calls ended as soon as he started Basic Training in late September/early October. We talked and emailed a lot before that and he was insistent that I call his sister up and get his address from her so I could write him letters...but she wouldn't give it to me. She basically told me that his girlfriend [who he started dating over the summer..that he met at a church camp where he rededicated his life to the Lord] didn't want me to send him messages. Brit basically said "you know he has a girlfriend, right?" and when I replied "Yeah! That's so exciting!! I hope I get to meet her." She said something along the lines that she couldn't give me his address...and that was that.
I haven't talked to him since.
Brandon is best man and Megan is, of course going. James is getting married and I'm trying so hard to take a deep breath and not miss Reno, his silly red sparkly car, and drifting on dirt roads listening to Chevelle and laughing over so many things...bonfires and Bo. I'm trying so hard not to let my heart break and hurt and feel the pain that I know is there.
but deep breaths don't seem to help these poor situations.
Sometimes I think it would be better if I was numb to my heart.

09 September 2009

this will hit home


I've been editing a lot today. I'm worried about giving this story out because it doesn't correctly represent those in it...some of those in it...but I am proud of it a little.

A lot of corrections though, and this is only the 'correct with red pen on paper' stage. There's still the 'type in all corrections and probably make more' stage. :)

I'm listening to crazy music

Oh, everything's in order for GCSU so far...except my mind. It doesn't quite want to wrap around the prospects of once again uprooting. I'm so thankful that neither of my parents' occupations required moving a lot when I was young..

05 September 2009

hello unwanted tears, needed

"The more i seek you,
the more i find you
The more i find you, the more I love you

I wanna sit at your feet
drink from the cup in your hand.
Lay back against you and breath, here your heart beat
This love is so deep, it's more than I can stand.
I melt in your peace, it's overwhelming"

some things change

I feel like God is leading me into such a new place these days. It's confusing and different. My feelings are changing, my reactions are changing. It's all changing.

I feel like I'm getting mixed signals about going to GCSU in the spring. I can't quite make out what God's leading me into. I'm scared of making the wrong decision and scared that I'm not listening to the voice I should be listening to. In another light, I'm worried that things might change once again and I really am supposed to stay where I'm at, making my previous statements to many people false. What does that make me? A liar?

I should probably be writing this in my journal and not on my blog - for those of you who happen to have access to read.

and so words come..

what you see is peace
but all I feel is distraction
nothing here is what it seems
I am always turning around
searching, running, never focusing
constantly seeking and never finding.
this heart churns faster - beating, crashing
oceans, mountains,
spinning breaths of smoke surround me.
where are you?

03 September 2009

guess who had called

So I've had a few crushes...liked some boys and had lots of fun flirting, but I have to say this is new. I don't know how to act or if I should look. I'm scared and confused, but giddy and happy all at once.


When Harry Met Sally makes my evenings so much better. - thanks Mere! :)

Tennis class was canceled because of the rain...and my hair is still straight. I love it. =D

But I don't know if I want to get it relaxed...or get another perm.
Oh the endless possibilities.

Going home tomorrow.