26 March 2009

singing Psalms of praise

Psalm means song..basically.
David wrote the book of Psalm in the Bible as a group of songs...and to me it is so incredible to hear them sung.

You MUST listen to this::

Psalm 145

25 March 2009

amazing love

I really feel like God prepares our hearts and minds for different events.

He often doesn't allow us to process the entirety of a situation at once, but rather in small amounts over time.

Last night I felt so overwhelmed and felt God just calling to me amidst my frustration with homework and other things. I sat outside on a bench by the volleyball courts for well over an hour--probably closer to two--and wrote. I prayed with everything that was in me over all of the events and people that have been laying so heavily on my heart recently.

Luke Campbell was first and foremost on my heart because I have been closely following his progress in fighting his second round of cancer. As I poured my heart and my tears into my notebook a song played on my ipod. I'm sure many of you are modern-day Christians and haven't listened to much southern gospel music. I, however grew up listening to it. Those were my first concerts. The particular song that played is one from my childhood -- "Four Days Late" as sung by Karen Peck & New River. The lyrics hit me so hard...they always have. Jesus was told that Lazarus was dying...and when he finally reached him, Lazarus was dead. The song says "when He's four days late, He's still on time." It emphasizes to me that the Lord is A-never far away, B-never late in His decisions, but rather ...everything works out according to His perfect will. The song says, "Lord, I don't understand why you waited so long.."
I could easily say the same thing, or something similar, now..and in so many different situations over the past year. I could plead with God and beg him to answer my one question -- WHY? But where is the trust and faith in that?
I could ask Him why He took a 17 year old boy with his whole life ahead of him...but I know that in the grand scheme of things, His will was being performed. The purpose and time planned for Luke was finished.
There are so many things I want to say, but I don't know how to get them out right now.

24 March 2009


I love when Jesus shows me things

I know i need you
I need to love you
I love to see you, and its been so long
i long to feel you
i feel this need for you'
and i need to hear you
is that so wrong?
oh oh oh, oh oh oh, oh oh oh
now you pulled me near you
when we're close i fear you
still im afraid to tell you
all that i've done
are you done forgiving?
or can you look pass my pretending?
Lord i'm so tired of defending
what i've become
what have i become?
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh. (repeat 4)
i hear you say "my love is over,
its underneath, its inside, its in between
the times you doubt me, when you can't feel
the times that you've questioned 'is this for real?'
the times you've broken, the times that you mend
the times you hate me and the times that you bend
well my love is over, its underneath
its inside, its in between,
these times you're healing
and when your heart breaks
the times that you feel like you've fallen from grace
the times you're hurting
the times that you heal
the times you go hungry and *are tempted* to steal
in times of confusion and chaos and pain
im there in your sorrow under the weight of your shame
im there through your heartache
im there in the storm
my love i will keep you by my power alone
i dont care where you've fallen, where you have been
i'll never forsake you
my love never ends, it never ends
mmm, mmm
oh oh, oh oh, oh oh

"times" --Tenth Avenue North

23 March 2009

tweedle dee

I found out that Luke Campbell isn't doing well. He's not a close friend of mine, but close to my family and church. It makes me sad. Gosh, to know that someone's got so much of their life ahead of them and having to struggle with something like this.

All I know is...God is working it for good [Romans 8:28]. He and his family will have such great testimonies. Regardless of the outcome, I'm very sure that God has been working in all the lives touched by his story and life.

Mine has been. I've said it before, but cancer has rocked my world. I haven't had it and thankfully no one in my immediate family has been diagnosed, but many people in my life have been touched by it, and therefore I have been touched.

Cancer is no scarlet letter to be worn in shame, but rather a cross born in strength...a race won--yes, won--a fight, victorious.

Oh how I cling to my family and friends. I hug them every chance that I get. I'm not scared of losing them, but rather thankful that I have them. Every day, every second, that I am able to spend with these beautiful blessings is one for which I am eternally thankful.

Some of you may get tired of me saying this, but I love my best friend. She is fabulous. She is incredible. :) I love her so much... She is such a light for the Lord and is always lifting me up. I am just..so thankful for her. She is beautiful. :)

22 March 2009


my spring break turned disgusting.

due to unfortunate events, I basically went a whole day without food, then got rather angry and was yelled at by my parents. This didn't go over well and the whole situation did nothing but escalate.
All of this because I wanted to leave on Saturday instead of Sunday for school so that I could get my homework done before class on Monday.

Quite honestly, I love Riley...but I'm tired of that being the extent of my mother's 'time' with me. She doesn't want to do anything with me--go anywhere or do anything--but she gets upset when I am not home to spend time with 'the family.' She makes plans with me and then breaks them..quite like some other people I know. I don't appreciate it. She gets very upset and tells me that I'm "never home" when I have spent every day with her and Riley. She says she breaks her neck to do for me and make it to where I can do whatever I want while I'm home, but then complains about the fact that I'm not at the house...when she basically pushes me out the door. I ask her if we can do something...just she and I ... and she says "well we don't have time" or "I've got..to do" or tells me I'm not home long enough for us to spend time together.

Am I pissed? Yes. I have been for a good two days. I pinched a nerve in my back and can't seem to get comfortable. That makes me angry. Being in pain -- CONSTANT pain -- will make a person go crazy.

I'm tired.
I don't want to go back to school because I don't want to do work and for some reason I'm just really not looking forward to it.
I don't want to stay here because I feel like it's constantly a battle to do anything. Who I am isn't acceptable, neither is who I want to be. What I do is a crime and what I want to do is impossible.

I'm tired of not having the acceptance of my family...of being looked down upon because of numerous different aspects of who I am. I'm tired of being fussed at. I'm tired of conflict and confusion and lack of peace.

And right now, I feel farther from God than I have in quite a while...with no mind to figure out the problems. This makes me cry.

20 March 2009

I realized that ... it's hard to go to a funeral and not think about the ones you've been to in the past. Those emotions and feelings of loss come flooding back, no matter how close you were to the person whose memory you are currently honoring...
Is this life?

[found on facebook..I couldn't resist]

Things you have done during your lifetime:

( ) Gone on a blind date
(k) Skipped school
(k) Watched someone die
( ) Been to Canada
( ) Been to Mexico
(k) Been to Florida
( ) Been to Hawaii
(k) Been on a plane
( ) Been on a helicopter
(k) Been lost
( ) Gone to Washington, DC
(k) Swam in the ocean
(k) Cried yourself to sleep
(k) Played cops and robbers
(k) Recently colored with crayons
(k) Sang Karaoke
(k) Paid for a meal with coins only
( ) Been to the top of the St. Louis Arch
(k) Done something you told yourself you wouldn't
(k) Made prank phone calls
( ) Been down Bourbon Street in New Orleans -
(k) Laughed until some kind of beverage came out of your nose & elsewhere
(k) Caught a snowflake on your tongue
(k) Danced in the rain
(k) Written a letter to Santa Claus
( ) Been kissed under the mistletoe
(k) Watched the sunrise with someone
(k) Blown bubbles
(k) Gone ice-skating
(k) Gone to the movies
( ) Been deep sea fishing
( ) Driven across the United States
( ) Been in a hot air balloon
( ) Been sky diving
( ) Gone snowmobiling
( ) Lived in more than one country
(k) Lay down outside at night and admired the stars while listening to the crickets
(k) Seen a falling star and made a wish
( ) Enjoyed the beauty of Old Faithful Geyser
(k) Seen the Statue of Liberty
( ) Gone to the top of Seattle Space Needle
( ) Traveled by train
(k) Traveled by motorcycle
( ) Been horse back riding
( ) Ridden on a San Francisco CABLE CAR
(k) Been to Disneyland --- or Disney World
(k) Truly believe in the power of prayer
( ) Been in a rain forest
( ) Seen whales in the ocean
( ) Been to Niagara Falls
( ) Ridden on an elephant
( ) Swam with dolphins
( ) Been to the Olympics
( ) Walked on the Great Wall of China
( ) Saw and heard a glacier calf
( ) Been spinnaker flying
( ) Been water-skiing
( ) Been snow-skiing
( ) Been to Westminster Abbey
( ) Been to the Louvre
( ) Swam in the Mediterranean
( ) Been to a Major League Baseball game
(k) Driven over 100 miles per

there is so much more I want to do in my lifetime...and so many things I would like to do again.

18 March 2009

spring not-so-break

funerals and visitations make me sick.

I'm beginning to think that this is why I don't like to dress up.
I used to!!
But now, most of my 'dressing up' revolves around the death of someone.

So........stop dying.
mmk? thanks.
good night.

16 March 2009

truth be told...

I wake up every evening with a big smile on my face
and it never feels out of place

Savannah is one of the most interesting cultural experiences you could ever have. There are people off all walks of life, cultures, and .. 'preferences.' I wouldn't mind living there, except I might be scared for my life. However, I think I found my house there. It quietly sits on Tybee Island and is yellow with a wrap-around porch. However, I'm not sure if it's perfect. I didn't get to go inside and check it out. The owners wouldn't be too happy, I'm sure.

And your still probably working at a 9 to 5 pace
I wonder how bad that tastes

Spending the Saturday with Morgan, Christopher, Hannah, and Cody was fabulous. I have missed those children more than so much. :) I must go back and visit more often and have fun with them. Especially when my feet will not freeze in the breeze from the ocean.

Now where's your picket fence love
And where's that shiny car,
And did it ever get you far

I often feel bad for people who lack the ability to read the expressions and eyes of others. I feel that God has given me somewhat of a gift for such things, though not with everyone. It often seems to prove troublesome and overly stressful, but who am I to say? I have misread people and have fallen quite mercilessly into my own traps and find myself at the knees of my emotions, begging them to forget themselves and runaway.

You've never seem so tense love
I've never seen you fall so hard,
Do you know where you are?

Coming home is often hard. I am always ready for such breaks--who isn't?--but sometimes I find myself missing my friends twice as much when I am home. I often feel rushed and out of sorts when I'm staying at home...less productive than under 'normal' circumstances at school. God shows me so often that I am blessed beyond any measure that I could earn or deserve under any circumstances. I am known for abusing my friends according to the emotions that I may be experiencing or outstanding circumstances that they are not involved in, and yet God always blesses me with the best of the best. I am constantly learning from them and find it such a blessing to know I can turn to them for help and that they are always lifting me up to the Father. Just to know that these people, these incredibly Godly people with such precious hearts, are taking their time to lift me up to the Father in prayer brings me to my knees. It is so humbling.

Go ahead as you waste your days with thinking
When you fall everyone stands
Another day and you've had your fill of sinking

My days spent at home are filled with Riley Cole Dorman, one of God's most precious blessings to my family. He is so rambunctious sometimes that it drives me crazy! He can make a game of Hi-Ho Cherry-O more violent than a game of paintball!

With the life held in your
hands are shaking cold
these hands are meant to hold

Okay, so the whole point of this blog was to clue you guys in. My great-aunt died early this morning. I'm quite upset with my grandmother. She never gave my mother or I or anyone else, to my knowledge, the information that my aunt was bad off. You might say she was in denial, but she told my mother that she had been "expecting it for a while now."

Swing, swing, swing
From the tangles of

This puts an unexpected and stressful twist on my spring break. I now will be attending visitation on Wednesday from 6 until 8 and will either attend the funeral on Thursday at 11am or be babysitting Riley while my parents go. Neither of these options are very appealing. My dear cousin just lost her grandfather no more than two months ago...I lost mine close to six months ago, and we both lost our great-grandmother almost a year ago. This past year has hurt me so much and I'm quite tired of it.

Don’t be so greedy. (Don't be...)
A dollar's a penny to you

I know that some of you may think that the deaths I've had to deal with over the past year are kind of not affecting me anymore, but I beg to differ. Whether you are around me enough to see or have known me for long enough to notice the changes, they are there. I struggle daily with emotions that I have never had to deal with before. I remember making the comment to a friend a few years ago that I was fortunate not to have lost really anyone super close to me..that has all changed in one year. I will no longer answer the phone if Mrs. Alice's daughter calls. Is that out of dislike for her? No, I love her so very much, but talking to her only reminds me so vividly of someone that I have come to miss more than words, thoughts, actions, expressions, or eyes could ever begin to express. You might be able to see it in the tears that seem to fill my eyes at the most random times, or feel it in the tight squeeze that I probably give you.

And shadows blend one last time (save those kisses)
Your picture speaks on this time (eyelash wishes)

Alas, I am not sad. :) Just emotionally distraught at the most random times, and I do apologize. Right now, I'm tired and a little hungry [as if that is new] and feel I should go to bed. Only after praising the Lord once more for the friends I have been blessed with. They are so...beyond descriptions.
And, oh, Father, I thank you so for the trees!

and truth be told I miss you...
when you see my face hope it gives you...

Suntrust, lunch with Christina, chill time with Christina and Kalin, dinner with the family, chllax time I hope.
Riley Cole time with mother and some sunshine on my skin for sure, PHS vs Rutland with Lala, visitation.
A funeral or more babysitting, things I'm unsure of.
more Riley Cole and sunshine, high school visiting, swings with m'loves, Mexican/Zaxby's because that's what we do.
sunshine, Benjamin's wedding, the night is still young.
Church and the longest car ride for a while. Goodbyes make life so hard.

13 March 2009


I often hear the comment "Boys are so complicated!" preceded or followed by a sigh of ginormous proportions. I have also heard a similar statement coming from a male's mouth in reference to a female friend or interest.

However, I have come to the conclusion that it is not one sex or the other that determines intensity of complication. Contrary to popular discernment, it applies to both genders. To everyone!

Now, to apply this information in life...that is the issue at hand.


Spring break officially starts today--how incredible! I'm going to Savannah and who knows where else! My brother's friend is getting married next Saturday and then I'm going to a baseball game. This week is going to be FABULOUS.
Oh summer!

10 March 2009

the connectivity of Facebook

I have recently been 'reconnected,' so to speak, with my seventh grade math teacher and her husband. While they both played major roles in my life at that young age, I remember being quite confused as to my spiritual situation. I acted in many ways that were extremely unacceptable and showed my distance from the Lord. I am so thankful that they were not judgmental or of the mind to shun someone with such problems that could have potentially caused misfortune to come to them.
Yes, I was a "messed up" kid. My mindset and actions were completely contrary to what I am now. By the glorious grace of God, I have been changed. Who I was is no longer me.
Satan often likes to bring before me the struggles and failures of my past, but I am proud to say that I can stand and proclaim freedom from those chains.

09 March 2009

wishful thinking

I wish people read this.
Even if there are no comments left, I wish I knew that someone was paying attention.

06 March 2009

I wish you would talk to me
Just lay down these countless facades
and talk to me.
Be straight and forthcoming
say the words you are trying so hard to retain.

Talk to me
Tell me your perceptions and perspectives.
I pray you will speak your mind.
Don't hide these silly things
be bold and say it.

talk to me.

03 March 2009


Oh, blog I have neglected you.
These past few days have been crazy.
I was privileged enough to go home and see the concert at my high school :: Rush of Fools, Jimmy Needham, Joy Lippard, and Sarah Reeves.
It was incredible! Besides hearing all of Jimmy Needham's lovely songs on my high school auditorium's stage and being able to sing along with them, I was overcome with the presence of the Lord. These artists have written songs that glorify the Father in such a way that it was hard for me to stand. Rush of Fools is fabulous. The lyrics to some of their new songs brought tears to my eyes.
Often I am humbled by my .. stupid decisions and actions.
I was introduced to a Bible study up at Winshape and went for the first time tonight. It's a Beth Moore Bible study and for those of you who are familiar with women's Bible Studies, you know that besides Kay Arthur, Beth Moore is basically the best. Tonight's lesson dealt a lot with the story of Abraham and Isaac -- following without question the commands of God's will...how He tests our faith. It was mentioned that you will come to face a battle over and over and over until you pass it...not with a "well, you passed" sort of grade, but pass the test having learned the lesson intended leaving that problem with absolutely no hold on you whatsoever.
I honestly believe that the Lord has been testing me when it comes to friendships. Not JUST recently, but throughout my entire life. I have battled with friends, lost many close ones, and fallen again into the trap. Sometimes I put my friends higher on my priority list than they should be. It was still quite a while after I realized this that I "passed the test" so to speak, and I still have problems with that today. My friends and family mean more to me than anything else on this earth. Sometimes, that's too much.
Though my attitude has often been a factor playing poker in these hands of friendships, I have, with the Lord's strength, been able to control it and my emotions fairly well. Of late, however, this has not been the case.
I have also learned [and this one has taken a while as well] that I tend to take comments to heart. Not all of them, necessarily, because I am often one to engage in silly bantering with friends and family as a sign of affection. However, when certain individuals say things in all seriousness it is hard for me to forget. And honestly, sometimes what I remember concerns me because it comes from parties quite far beyond my inner circle, the opinions that I truly do value.

Vulnerability. [does not imply equal-opportunity or the application of 'fair game']