11 June 2009

freakish and weird tendancies

Have you ever purposefully wanted to hurt someone...just to see how they would react or how far they would go to still be your friend?

I know that sounds a mite ridiculous, but nonetheless..hear me out.

Irrationality is something that lives within us all - it's called our heart. Proverbs says that your heart leads to your destruction, but trusting in the Lord leads to righteousness and prosperity.

Honestly, I feel like I'm always learning more about myself. For the longest time, I didn't understand many of my actions and never understood why I was in certain situations or why I felt the way I did.

One feeling that is almost subconscious, but I know it's there, is the desire to hurt my friends...not to hurt them in the sense that I would completely break their hearts or take what portion of themselves that they have given to me and rip it to shreds, but in the sense that I would cross "the line" just a bit...just to see how much they care.

I know you're thinking "why the heck is she admitting this? And why is she so weird? None of this makes sense." Well, I don't know. It's on my heart.

I was doing a Beth Moore Bible study before the semester ended and it talked about "breaking the mold" - not continually repeating the sins and self-destructive things that you HAVE done, but to change...that's how you get closer to God - long to be like Him...allow Him to change you and show you how you SHOULD act and react in given circumstances.

I find my spirit wrestling with my heart, like Paul said in Romans. I know that I shouldn't, but there's something inside of me that still wants to.

It makes Romans 13:8 hard to swallow - owe no man anything but to love him.
That verse has come to mean so much to me, especially after really digging into 1 Corinthians 13...not just the "love is this love is that" part, but the beginning where it says that you can do ANYTHING...you can be great...but if you don't have love, you are nothing. How can I possibly stay true to the Word when I have this feeling inside me? The Word convicts me in my heart, but sometimes I don't know how to control my 'feelings' though it doesn't seem like a feeling to me...

1 Corinthians 10:13 gives me a boost of faith - "There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it."

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