21 March 2011

red green color blind

I don't like feeling attached. There's a certain amount of need that comes with being attached. There's a certain amount of humility that comes with that need.

I can't do this by myself.

Over the past few days (okay, subconsciously for weeks) I've been searching my heart for the line in the sand or beats per minute that reads "too much" or "not enough" on the relational scale.
Where. should. I. stop.
How.much.is.  enough.
Where does comfort cross the line into "wrong" territory and become too much?
How do I spread myself out enough to love everyone?
I'm in an endless game of Red Light, Green Light and I'm color blind. 

The truth is...I don't know. I don't like admitting that I don't know.

I'm realizing there's not much of me and I'm learning to thank God for that, but what little bit of me there is - I want it to glorify Him.
But it's wearying.
Thankful that He knows we will have those times when running after Him is just tiring. Thankful, though, that I get tired...so that I see how insufficient my strength is in comparison to His.

edit (translation):

I don't like being attached because it feels weird. It's just a control issue. It's like being attached to Jesus sometimes - I don't have control so I feel out of control. I don't control my friendships..it's a mutual + God thing and so it's odd to me. you know? And I think there's a humility that comes with it because you have to be willing to sacrifice - you have to be willing to put the other person in front of you and not be confident that you always have things right (though you shouldn't think you always have things wrong either).
I've been thinking a lot about "too much" and "not enough" in friendships lately .. and with GOD lately. In one friendship alone, have questioned the "too much" part - do we talk too much, do we hug too much, do we want to be near each other too much, etc. then, with another friend (and in some cases with God, I feel like), the question is where am I not being/doing enough in the relationship and how can I fix that. Spreading myself out to love everyone enough - how do we balance our time ("we" = blanket term) one-on-one with each other, in groups, and by ourselves
   and the last last part- sometimes it's just so tiring chasing after God. Not that we have to run so far, but seeking him takes time and effort like any other relationship and sometimes it just gets tiring, but that's where we know that we're NOT enough..that our strength and efforts aren't enough to make it work.

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