19 February 2011


I am three pages from the end of yet another beautiful journal. Thinking back over life since October 13 is overwhelming. It has legitimately been so much life. My prayers have changed. My heart has changed. My friends have changed. My everything has changed so much. I pray God continues to revolutionize my life. I don't ever want to get to that point where I have nothing left to be fixed until I'm standing face-to-face with my Creator.

In revolutionizing my life, God has blessed me with some of the most incredible people as friends. We're not all alike, thank you, Jesus! But we share a love for our God and sunshine. I'm learning to balance these friendships with school work, Relay for Life, and my relationship with God.
I have to admit - I'm sucking at it.

I'm doing a horrible job of juggling these categories - my grades are slipping. My relationship with God is sometimes put to the side. Relay, in some ways, has taken over (as you can see in my last few posts). I'm convinced that is partially caused by the purple extravaganza of last week, but an excuse isn't what I need.
I'm also struggling to maintain all of these friendships. I am in LOVE with each of them. There's something so special about a group (or twelve) of people who adore God. I'm learning that it's normal to talk about Him so much with friends. That's normal. I never knew. That's fantastic! But juggling all of these friends is so hard. I don't feel like I have time to devote to each of them. A friend of mine once said you never have more than 5 or so CLOSE friends. Your heart/mind/body can't handle more than that. I'm juggling ten at least. I love them. I love trying. I love caring. I love being around for them. I ADORE our dates and so very much love hearing about them and listening to everything going on in their lives, but at some point my hands have become too full for Christ. They've become too full to put the right amount of effort into these beautiful relationships He's given me.
This has to change.
I don't want to turn this post into an "I apologize for neglecting our friendship, but it's not going to change," sort of thing.
That's not what I'm saying.
I'm still trying to figure it out.
But I do know this:

2 Corinthians 12:9 says, "But He said to me, 'My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness.' Therefore, I will most gladly boast all the more about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may reside in me."

Psalm 97:18-19 says, "If I say, 'My foot is slipping,' Your Faithful Love will support me, LORD. When I am filled with cares, Your comfort brings me joy."

God, my foot is slipping. I thought I built all this on a solid rock, but the truth is...You aren't the foundation of my joy right now. I'm losing my joy because I'm not letting you control it all. God, I am w.e.a.k. I'm so weak I can't breathe without you...let alone hold on to all of these friendships. It's not my place to hold on. God, my grades suck right now. My devotion to You has plummeted. Relay will never be a success if I'm in charge of it. Without YOUR love, Lord, I can't love and that's my heart's desire - to love. You've made me to love, but you've also made me imperfect so that I have to depend on you. You've made me imperfect so that You get the glory when I am weak and helpless. God, I'm slipping. I'm going under. I'm restless. I need Your presence. Your strength. Your support. Your control. I need You.

when I think I'm going under, part the waters, LORD

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