Three years ago I was in the middle of one of the worst semesters (my first) of college and one of the worst breakdowns I've ever had. I'd spent the last month in and out of school and the hospital in Macon with my Papa who was unresponsive. This came on the eve of losing my great-grandmother and elderly best friend six months before.
Three years and two months ago my grandparents came to visit Rome on their way home from a vacation in the Tennessee mountains. That was the last time I saw my Papa in a conscious state.
September and October of the past two years have wrecked me in more ways than one. I've spent so much time dwelling on the hurt and anguish. Death makes you feel like you're drowning in a sense. I can't quite grasp it well enough to explain it beyond the blanket of gray that covers your life. It's just a gray haze.
This year has been different. I'd almost forgotten, but my memory doesn't come with heartache and sadness. Rather, I'm joyed to know that my Papa is resting. I'm at peace knowing that I've made it through that gray haze of frustration, confusion, emotion, heartfelt hurt, and simple anger. I'm thankful that I lost him, but not in a narcissistic way. I've learned, grown, and am now here..on the other side...still me. I didn't lose me. I didn't lose God. And I didn't lose my Papa. He's still in my heart - all the books read and lessons learned. Family meals (and I mean BIG family meals) are still difficult. By no means have we forgotten, but we are still living now.
I had dinner tonight with two of my very favorite guy friends, Zach and Josh. It's been a while since I've laughed so much and felt so awkward in the presence of testosterone. That sounds really odd, but sometimes it's just so good to go out with guy friends and have a good dinner. It doesn't hurt that they are absolutely hilarious and never run out of things to say. They have an obvious bromance.
I've also come up with two essay topics, 34 addresses for UTD, finished guest cards, slightly outlined my upcoming presentation, and am in the process of finishing my notecard for tomorrow. Then I will finish my Spanish homework, get in the Word, and sleep.
This week is good.
God is good.