05 November 2011

Being Small

Have you ever felt completely unprepared, unequipped, and unable?
I'm not entirely sure what God's plan is for me in five months, or tomorrow for that matter. My ideas of sleeping in on a Saturday may be completely changed depending on Him.
One thing I do know is that my life after Berry College is going to change a lot, regardless of where I end up. A very real possibility in my life right now is that I get on a plane in September to spend eleven months making God's name big in eleven different countries. That's one month in each country, potentially eating things and sleeping in places that someone with first world problems would rarely find even in their dreams. The possibilities are endless because God is endless and nothing is impossible with Him.

Tonight, after a long skype session with a dear friend, I went back to worldrace.org to go over the FAQs and "what do you expect from a racer?" again.  I found myself completely overwhelmed and unprepared.

I'm made up of half city and half country. I grew up in a really strict church. I've never been on a mission trip. I don't own Chacos or a really awesome Kavu bag. I don't have a car. I don't have a 'home church' in my hometown and in six months I'm leaving the place I've called home for the past 3 years. My spiritual life is awful in comparison to how good my God has been to me. I often feel inferior to others because I fall so much sometimes, so short of the person God's called me to be. I'm selfish and unsure. I'm a coward and I neglect my relationship with God so much. The last blogs I read on my list are the ones that involve a lot of spiritual conviction because I "don't have enough time to handle that" on the week days. I'm attached to my friendships and have a separation anxiety that only plagues me when I know that I'm doing what I should. I give half my effort to most things because I don't know how to push myself to my limits. In the past few months I've felt farther from God than in all my years of college. I've become too comfortable here.

I've been convicted of my extravagant lifestyle. My closet is full of clothes. Sometimes I have so many t-shirts that my drawers won't close. I have two heavy coats, a rain jacket, several smaller jackets, and more shoes than I care to count. I have new, good underwear and socks.
I have options.
I have a fridge, freezer, and cabinet full of food. I have toilet paper, three kinds of shampoo, sweatshirts, three toothbrushes, coffee mugs galore, kitchen appliances, more books than I could begin to read, and at least 4 extra blankets in my room right now.
I have so much that I can be picky.
I have so much that I am complacent.

God's given me some kind of gift for understanding the ins and outs of Spanish. I love communicating. I am an artist. I love new things. It bothers me that others are without and I have a computer and tablet at my disposal right now. I even have two boxes of crayons and four coloring books on my bed right now.
How many kids could use a good coloring book and crayons? How many people just need to be smiled at today? What could that do?
Hallelujah, Christ is near. 

God is near to us. God is near to me. God has called. Maybe I'm not 'the type' to go on an eleven month adventure into the world without carrying with me five or seven of my closest friends, but I'm walking in faith. I'm going to walk in the truth that God has purpose in my life and wants to use me to reassure His people of His love.

I don't mind being small if it means I am able to make God huge. Let's go.
My phone interview with WR is on Thursday at 4pm. I'm desperate for your prayers. I refuse to commit to something without God's affirmation of peace, but I know it's time for me to move. He will equip me for His purpose, but the honest truth is that I'm scared to death.

it's time to stretch these legs of faith, and run into this unknown width. The truth of Your love for us.

No comments:

Post a Comment