"You watch over me in the darkest valleys.." -Aaron Shust

Gosh, today has been...one of happy tears and sad tears.
This whole weekend has been filled with emotion that I cannot control.

I've been torn apart by the loss of friends, the impending loss of a family member that has meant the world to me for the past 19 years of my life.
Before bed, I'm plagued with thoughts of what I could've done different, how I could've changed things, how if I'd done one thing sooner things might not be the way they are now in those situations. I spend nights tossing and turning, dreaming of things I cannot control but still can't get out of my head. I can never focus on my school work and always feel like I'm in a slump.
Don't get me wrong, I have great friends that have helped me immensely, but that just doesn't seem to be enough these days. I don't like to be alone because my thoughts come rushing in and I have no control. I feel like as much as I try to focus on work, or on God's Word, I am just overwhelmed with thoughts.
Your mind is the battlefield...and I seem to be losing this one--downward spiral.
I talked to my dad last night on the phone and I just broke down, something I don't do much with my dad. It's amazing to me how God can put the right song on the radio at the right time and you with the
right people at the right time...

"It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out"

'whatever you're doing' -- sanctus real. Sometimes it just feels like chaos.

Then, church today..was just amazing. We were standing there singing and I was just overwhelmed...and that doesn't even begin to describe it. Joy was just spilling from within.

"I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need
Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need"

"made me glad" -- hillsong
With every line of that song that came from my lips came an instance where God had fulfilled those promises to be those things for me--my shelter, my shield, my strength, my deliverer, etc. Over and over, one after another, moments from my life came to mind. They were all different too, not one was repeated...and we sang the chorus over and over. I was so humbled. Sometimes I feel like I'm going it alone, and it's so obvious that I'm not. God's love is from everlasting to everlasting. His arms are always open to hold me when I feel lonely or am just in need of a hug. I need him more than life itself, more with every breath.
Needless to say, I felt like crying but the tears did not come. I was fine with that because I feel like I've been crying more than humanly possible lately. My nose is always runny and my eyes red from tears that I'd love to stop. God always has a plan, though.

After my nap this afternoon, I felt more unmotivated than I did before I went to sleep. I didn't feel like getting up and I just felt like there was no point. I willed myself to get up, mostly because I was thirsty, and turned on my music. The first song that came on made me cry. I sat for a while just wrapped up in God's love crying my eyes out.

"I was lonely
You came waltzing over to me
And Your eyes they saw right through me
And You heard each one of my cries for help
And You came to rescue me
I was broken
Every prayer that I had spoken
Reached Your ears and all my tears weren’t cried in vain
You carried all my pain
And put me back together again
You watch over me in the darkest valleys
You watch over me when the night seems long
You help me to see the way before me
You watch over me; You watch over me
Always faithful
To be leading, at this moment
Interceding for Your children
Though I’ve wandered astray from Your infinite ways
You’ve never left me alone -[to chorus]
Take my frozen heart; awaken me
Never once have You forsaken me
Even though I walk through this shadow of death
You will guide and defend me
You’ll guard and protect me
Even though I walk through this shadow of death
You will lead me home"

"watch over me"--aaron shust.
God's perfect timing amazes me.

thoughts from James

We aren’t tempted of God no matter how we might feel like we are or decide that we want to blame things on Him…we are blessed beyond measure …seriously…we try to say that we do things ourselves or ‘own’ our own accomplishments because we felt like we worked the hardest to get there…really we don’t work hard at all…we are at the beck and call of our Lord and Savior. No matter if we believe in Him or not, He plays the largest part in our lives. Our leaves blow when He creates the wind. Our legs move when He allows us to command them to. It’s so evident that none of our own lives is truly ours. Our only decision comes in choosing to follow Him.
Going through temptations or trials in our lives seems to be the worst possible outcome for our lives. Dreams seem to be crushed beneath such a strong hand leaving us to wither in the rain and storm to come. However, amidst our lives falling apart and losses that we may come to face with reality-colored glasses upon our face, God is the one who’s there picking up the pieces. It says in James that he who endures these temptations and whirlwind storms of life will inherit the crown of life…that person will be able to live forever. Just think--life with someone who has been watching out for you for so long. Could you do that for someone? It would take so much for me. He doesn’t expect us to though. He just wants us to trust and follow hard after Him. He wants control of the wreck we call our lives--the twisted metal, flat tires, and busted glass…all of it. And like in Disney movies, He’s the one with the magical touch that makes everything right and beautiful again. It’s HIS healing rain that takes us from the torn shadows of what could’ve been to blooming flowers and the truth behind it all--the beauty in everything. It doesn’t matter how dead the flowers might look in the fall or how solemnly lifeless they seem in the cold winter months…if you wait…just a little while longer…those sticklike lifeless creatures will once again return to beauty, a masterpiece.
No matter our trials; not matter how dark our life gets at times or how far from anything good we seem to be, if we retain our love for God…if we hold on to just that and continue to put our trust in Him, and oh it is so hard, then in the spring we too will bloom in His glorious love and grace. He never said it would be easy for us to take up our cross and die daily to ourselves in order to follow Him. He DID say He would not see His righteous forsaken or His seed begging bread. WE are His seed. He has planted in us a seed to grow--we are His children, His disciples, we are the ones carrying His word, His life.
What good are we if we only hear what He has to say? Does it not say also in the Bible that we should spread the word among nations? Let everyone hear what the truth is and decide for themselves if they should believe it and follow it. How can we, as witnesses to the awesome creations of God-from the mountains and valleys to the trees and even our own bodies-be silent when we follow after something so amazing/ How can we not want to tell others about this? It’s nigh to impossible to contain the humility, divine inspiration , and just plain excitement found in our Creator. Yet we allow ourselves to become complacent in our everyday lives, living in routine and monotonous worship. He didn’t tell us we had to pray a certain number of times a day or create a routine of when we would pray to Him. He just said pray…because you WANT to. Pray because you need to come to Him with your problems and giddy happiness in the good and bad times. Come to Him for comfort; seek His guidance. He asked so little of us it seems, yet we have such a hard time even doing that. “be ye doers of the word and not hearers only, deceiving your own selves”-James 1:22. Take action in your life and don’t just stand idly by without seeking Him out or telling others of everything He’s done in your life. Surely if you believe in the same God that I do you would feel such emotion, such an overflowing, soaring of your soul that you couldn’t contain such. If that’s the case then PLEASE tell someone, go out and seek others to follow with you. Be a fisher of men…bring the word to everyone. Introduce them to your Creator, Savior, God. And yes, He can be your Savior but He also has to be your God…you can’t have one without the other. Hearing the Word and not doing something about it, not telling others, is like putting on a face. To yourself, Christianity is amazing…on the inside you are ALL Christian. People aren’t going to see that. They can see the outside of others, not the inside. If they get to know you, then yes, they will see some sort of glimpse of God on the inside. We should be screaming of His glory and His mercy though. We should take just a little bit of time to change ourselves into something that will glorify Him to the utmost, whether it’s changing our wording, changing our reactions, habits, changing how we look even…every little bit will make a difference and soon all of your friends will say to themselves “oh, they’ve changed…what happened?” No, it won’t be you’ve got a boyfriend or girlfriend…you’ve just found who YOU truly are in the Lord. You want to live HIM out loud…not under a bushel or a coat or behind a door hidden in a closet. You want it to come out, you want everyone to see that you are living for God…that He is the true reason for your happiness and contentment.

prideful

I was listening to the radio when I got home from school today..I wasn't in the best of moods because of a lot of things that just really seemed discouraging. I'd stormed into my room after school and was just sitting on my bed...trying to find some sort of solution to it all. This song came on the radio that I honestly can't explain. I don't know where it came from and I've never heard it before. Regardless, it [God, really] inspired me. [and I wrote this...]

My thoughts, my desires
my opinions, my will
all to be dashed against stone
yet stand overzealously in the way of You
I fall on my knees
Lord humble me.

When you see me thre,
prideful and lifted up,
take me asaide, take me
take me, and point me to jesus.
Lift me up to Jesus.

When all I see in this mirror is me
when arrogance and the world overshadow
Lord, it's You I need to see
help me, humble me.

When you see me there
prideful and lifted up
take me aside, take me
take me, and point me to Jesus.
Lift me up to Jesus.

I'm swallowed in me, Lord
break me, free me
free me from ... me.
I will fall to my knees.

When I'm standing there
full of pride, full of conceit
take me aside, take me
take me and point me to You Jesus
surround me, humble me, hold me, Jesus.


help me overcome me.

inspiration of the constipated kind

Truth. perspective.
an existance of thoughts, beliefs,
differences.
each, their own.
matchless.
from one bold move, another is built,
covering, consuming, loving, entrancing
surroundings
inspiring more.

turn and run,
perspective is calling.
figure it out,
the lyrics of life and song.

carry on, this beat of drum.
expect more, fall harder,
be more.
for in life, in touch,
in sight,
stepping out to take flight
emptiness
will not overcome
truth prevails.