Reality Check

I can't tell if I love these multiple updates in one day.
I was actually in the middle of my quiet time when I opened my computer to re-check my grades and start up Pandora.

I checked them a few minutes ago and one of them read .4 lower than I need it to be. I immediately went into hyper-ventilating, Beth-freak-out mode. I forgot how stressful grades are to me. I hold my breath until I get them.

My head says I trust You, but my heart says I am scared to death that I can't handle it (because I don't trust You to).
What is that? What even IS that?!

For thirty minutes, my heart was racing - what if I lose my scholarships? What if my GPA just falls to pieces. What if my other grades are worse? I seriously emailed my professor and asked if I could do anything to bring my grade up in the next 24 hours.
I'm not kidding.
That's how ridiculous I am.

I told my parents good night and came back for a little time in the Word, but didn't even open it because I couldn't.
What even is happening??

Charlie Hall just played on Pandora - a song called "My Brightness" which I've never heard before. Ever. Right after "Salvation Is Here" which says "God above all my hopes and fears. I don't care what the world throws at me. It's gonna be alright...I KNOW my God made a way for me."

Beautiful words that I suck at believing.

Charlie Hall.

I've been hit from every corner. I've been thrown from side to side. I'm cracked up on the inside, so I come to you for life. Your presence always heals me, so I want to drink it in. 

You know where we're going, God. You know where I've been. 

Your love is like a rock when I'm spinning. Your love is like a rock when I'm spinning. Your love is like a rock when I'm spinning around. 

Yesterday I felt so angry, today, so insecure. I hate it that I wrestle the God that I adore. Your presence always heals me, so I want to drink it in. 

You know where we're going, God. You know where I've been. 

And your love is like a rock when I'm spinning. Your love is like a rock when I'm spinning. Your love is like a rock when I'm spinning.... 

And I know less about you. My heart loves you so much more. You're my pride in sadness. You're my brightness. I wish this thing could pass from me, but I'm wanting what You want. So bring me high or bring me low, just hold me in Your love. 

And your love is like a rock when I'm spinning. Your love is like a rock when I'm spinning. Your love is like a rock when I'm spinning. Your love is like a rock when I'm spinning around...

What exactly does it mean to t.r.u.s.t. God? Does it mean we freak out or that we're able to just let things go?


I checked my grades again. My professor hasn't put two of my grades in yet.


Reality check?
More like God ripping my trust-mask off like a bandaid.