Gosh, today has been...one of happy tears and sad tears.
This whole weekend has been filled with emotion that I cannot control.
I've been torn apart by the loss of friends, the impending loss of a family member that has meant the world to me for the past 19 years of my life.
Before bed, I'm plagued with thoughts of what I could've done different, how I could've changed things, how if I'd done one thing sooner things might not be the way they are now in those situations. I spend nights tossing and turning, dreaming of things I cannot control but still can't get out of my head. I can never focus on my school work and always feel like I'm in a slump.
Don't get me wrong, I have great friends that have helped me immensely, but that just doesn't seem to be enough these days. I don't like to be alone because my thoughts come rushing in and I have no control. I feel like as much as I try to focus on work, or on God's Word, I am just overwhelmed with thoughts.
Your mind is the battlefield...and I seem to be losing this one--downward spiral.
I talked to my dad last night on the phone and I just broke down, something I don't do much with my dad. It's amazing to me how God can put the right song on the radio at the right time and you with the
right people at the right time...
"It's time for healing time to move on
It's time to fix what's been broken too long
Time make right what has been wrong
It's time to find my way to where I belong
There's a wave that's crashing over me
All I can do is surrender
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time for a milestone
Time to begin again
Revaluate who I really am
Am I doing everything to follow your will
or just climbing aimlessly over these hills
So show me what it is you want from me
I give everything I surrender...
To...
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos somehow there's peace
It's hard to surrender to what I can't see
but I'm giving in to something heavenly
Time to face up
Clean this old house
Time to breathe in and let everything out
That I've wanted to say for so many years
Time to to release all my held back tears
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but I believe
You're up to something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Whatever you're doing inside of me
It feels like chaos but now I can see
This something bigger than me
Larger than life something heavenly
Something heavenly
It's time to face up
Clean this old house
Time breathe in and let everything out"
'whatever you're doing' -- sanctus real. Sometimes it just feels like chaos.
Then, church today..was just amazing. We were standing there singing and I was just overwhelmed...and that doesn't even begin to describe it. Joy was just spilling from within.
"I will bless the Lord forever
I will trust Him at all times
He has delivered me from all fear
He has set my feet upon a rock
I will not be moved
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need
Whom have I in heaven but You
There's none I desire beside You
You have made me glad
And I'll say of the Lord
You are my shield, my strength
My portion, deliverer
My shelter, strong tower
My very present help in time of need"
"made me glad" -- hillsong
With every line of that song that came from my lips came an instance where God had fulfilled those promises to be those things for me--my shelter, my shield, my strength, my deliverer, etc. Over and over, one after another, moments from my life came to mind. They were all different too, not one was repeated...and we sang the chorus over and over. I was so humbled. Sometimes I feel like I'm going it alone, and it's so obvious that I'm not. God's love is from everlasting to everlasting. His arms are always open to hold me when I feel lonely or am just in need of a hug. I need him more than life itself, more with every breath.
Needless to say, I felt like crying but the tears did not come. I was fine with that because I feel like I've been crying more than humanly possible lately. My nose is always runny and my eyes red from tears that I'd love to stop. God always has a plan, though.
After my nap this afternoon, I felt more unmotivated than I did before I went to sleep. I didn't feel like getting up and I just felt like there was no point. I willed myself to get up, mostly because I was thirsty, and turned on my music. The first song that came on made me cry. I sat for a while just wrapped up in God's love crying my eyes out.
"I was lonely
You came waltzing over to me
And Your eyes they saw right through me
And You heard each one of my cries for help
And You came to rescue me
I was broken
Every prayer that I had spoken
Reached Your ears and all my tears weren’t cried in vain
You carried all my pain
And put me back together again
You watch over me in the darkest valleys
You watch over me when the night seems long
You help me to see the way before me
You watch over me; You watch over me
Always faithful
To be leading, at this moment
Interceding for Your children
Though I’ve wandered astray from Your infinite ways
You’ve never left me alone -[to chorus]
Take my frozen heart; awaken me
Never once have You forsaken me
Even though I walk through this shadow of death
You will guide and defend me
You’ll guard and protect me
Even though I walk through this shadow of death
You will lead me home"
"watch over me"--aaron shust.
God's perfect timing amazes me.
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