The title of this post makes it seem self-centered and maybe it is, but I've realized quite a few things about myself over the past month. I've been at home for break and have spent a LOT of time alone or with someone, but not talking. Let's see where this goes.
1. I feel like my decisions are never good enough for my dad. Growing up was tough because he wanted to control everything and I wanted to be Miss Independent - yup. Kelly Clarkson sang that song in honor of me. I feel like this is a big root of some of my main insecurities that I'm kicking in the pants.
2. Words mean a lot to me. It's no secret that I write - I have a blog and I journal and I'm an English major. I've learned that words can encourage and can kill, but a lack of words has the same power. I enjoy writing letters, sending messages of encouragement or just affirmation, and having long conversations. I've had a ton of long conversations this break...a hot ton. I didn't realize until two nights ago that my primary love language is probably words of affirmation. I love hugs to an exponential degree and i absolutely enjoy having adventures with friends, even if we don't say anything and are just studying in some hidden library corner. I even love gifts! Though I often don't know what to do with them or what to get for someone. But I've realized that a vital part of my heart is having someone say, "I love you" or "You did a good job" or "Your hair looks really cute today." Part of that might be superficial, but who doesn't like it when someone compliments their looks? If they go too far, it's awkward, but that's okay. I really just enjoy talking. That sounds pretty selfish, too. I'm going to pray about it. I hope it's not.
3. I have itchy feet. Staying in one place for too long makes me antsy and I run out of things to do, even if I have a whole list made for the sole purpose of NOT getting to that point. Rome isn't that way as much as Perry because I always have something to be doing there. Down time is rare and much appreciated. I love going, doing, and being.
4. I'm not very funny. My humor is simply quick wit applied at the right moment in the right situation after someone has already said or done something funny.
5. Everything is relative. I learned this in high school when I laughed in the face of danger aka my freshman lit teacher. Home is relative to where you are, who you are with, and what you are doing. Happiness is relative to your choice to live in God. Your legacy is relative to what you deem important - honesty, money, relationships, forgiveness, etc. Your image is relative to what you carry - TOMS? Polo? Jesus?
6. One thing is not relative. Jesus is not bound by circumstances or situations and, therefore, neither am I.
7. I tweet too much. For some reason, I feel like what I say is important so I tweet it. I've realized this and sometimes delete tweets because they really benefit no one. I tweet too often when friends are around because they say funny things I wish to remember later and laugh at once more.
8. Snow is not the end of the world. It just seems like the end of the world. However, God made the sun and the sun is quite warm. Snow and ice, like darkness, cannot stand in the presence of the sun or the SON. (I'm of the mindset that God enjoys warm weather as well, not snow and ice. I'm pretty sure I've proven my point.)
9. Prayer works. I've known this, but God has continued making me aware of it this month, much like over the past year. My journal has become more of a prayer journal than a let-me-write-down-what-I-did-today" journal. I didn't mean for that to happen. It just did. I do write down the important things from some days, but it's usually accompanied by a prayer and a to-do list. I also pray a lot...because I will need a new journal in a little over a month. I like writing my prayers, though. I feel like I'm writing letters. It's personal. It's really personal. Sometimes I even cry.
10. I'm a flaky person. I've noticed lately that I am horrible about making a decision that I think is worthwhile, then realizing it's not and changing it. I hate it. I do it a lot. I hate it. I need some accountability so that I stop. I will literally change my mind if I just don't feel like it on occasion. Thankfully those are few and far between (I think), but I often change my mind because I actually THINK about my first decision and realize it was a bad one or less efficient than what I've come up with in my head. Unfortunately, this usually involves activities with friends and I end up looking like a flake. Please. If I do this to you, tell me to stop being flaky.